Archive of ‘random rantings’ category

Mindy Kaling is Not Chubby (and Other Rants).

As a closet comedy nerd, I make it my business to read any book by a woman currently making it as a comedy writer. Which is why I picked up ¬†Mindy Kaling’s Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me (and other concerns).

Mindy Kaling: Funny, not fat.

Mindy Kaling: Funny, not fat.

It was pretty good. Laugh out loud awesome in parts. And I’m pretty sure if we met, we’d be BFFs (well, not really, but she seems like a funny girl I’d totally dig talking to).

But she thinks she’s fat. The word she most often uses is “chubby,” but ¬†fat is thrown out more than a few times.

And that? Pisses me off.

The Internet tells me she’s somewhere between 5’2 and 5’4.

Her book tells me she’s a size 8.

Those two numbers? Do not equal fat.

Healthy? Yes. Not afraid of the occasional ice cream sundae? God, I hope so. But definitely not fat.

I am 5’4. I think I look pretty damn smoking at a size 8. And since she was named one of People’s Most Beautiful People last year, it seems fairly obvious that she does too.

And yet, her fatness was a pervasive theme throughout her book.

It’s completely ridiculous. And kind of makes me want to punch her.

Mindy, we girls out here in the real world have plenty of people telling us we don’t measure up. As a smart, successful woman in Hollywood, have the balls to stand up for yourself and say, “I don’t need to be anorexic, bitches. I have more talent in my pinky finger than you do in your entire Barbie-wanna be bod.”

It’s okay to like food.

It’s okay to be able to stand outside on a windy day and not get blown over.

It’s pretty damn awesome to be a “normal” size.

Own it.

 

 

Daylight Savings Time, the Stomach Flu and Other Energy Vampires.

Saving Daylight

Screw you, Daylight Savings Time (Photo credit: Cathdew)

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away (otherwise known as the Time Before Tori), I sort of enjoyed the arrival of Daylight Savings Time.

It meant that summer was on its way, full of bright evening hours that could be spent swimming, or gardening, or drinking a bottle of wine on the patio.

That was before. These days? I hate the damn thing.

Preschoolers can’t tell time. And even if they could, they wouldn’t care what the clock said. Why? Because they rely on their bodies to tell them what to do. Their body clocks know when it’s dinner time, when it’s bedtime and when it’s time to get up.

So when we arbitrarily set the clock ahead an hour? They’re unimpressed, to say the least.

Right now, my kid is upstairs screaming for me. I have her door shut, because if I didn’t she’d be down here in my lap. In her mind, it’s only 8:3o. We should be just finishing up her stories, not ignoring her pleas.

This will last until 10 o’clock. At least.

Meanwhile, my body clock is also thrown off. I am tired, grumpy and desperately in need of a nap.

Throw in a raging case of the stomach flu (the kind that leaves you writhing on the bed wishing for death), and you have a recipe for disaster.

That my friends, is why I haven’t written anything this week. And why I don’t have anything brilliant to say right now.

In fact, you know what I want to do? I want to scream for my mommy, let her take over and go hide under the covers for a while.

Of course, she hates Daylight Savings Time too. So she’s probably just as grumpy as I am. But she would do it if she could, I’m sure.

Why? Because that’s what mommies do.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go get my kid before she bashes a hole through the door with her head.

 

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How To Make Extra Wide Tap Shoes For Toddlers.

It’s tough to find shoes for my daughter. Any shoes. In fact, there are only two brands she can really wear – Stride Rite and Crocs.

Unfortunately, neither of those brands make tap shoes.

So, after fruitlessly googling every way to say “extra wide tap shoes for toddlers” I could think of (and, being an SEO copywriter, I know a lot of ways), I decided to just close my eyes and click buy on a random pair of supposedly wide tap shoes.

A week later, when they finally arrived (I swear Amazon is punishing me for not signing up for Prime by shipping things extra slow), Tori was attempting to get them on her feet practically before she was in the door.

Do you have any idea how sad a toddler looks when she tries to put her shiny new tap shoes on her feet and they’re too tight?

Sad enough to melt Newt Gingrich’s heart (and that’s saying a lot).

I didn’t know what to do. After all, I’d already searched high and low on the Internet looking for those extra wide tap shoes. They didn’t exist.

So I did what any social media-phile would do: I asked my Facebook friends.

Turns out there is a solution. A really easy one (thank you, Elona).

Here’s how to make patent leather tap shoes wider:

How to make extra wide tap shoes for your toddler1. Stuff them with socks. And I mean really stuff them. Cram them as full as you possibly can.

2. Turn your hair dryer up to 11.

3. Run the hair dryer over your tap shoes until the material gets soft and pliable (it didn’t take long with mine), and stretch gently with your fingers.

4. Let them cool off and present them to your wide-footed toddler.

5. Prepare for shouts of excitement and click clacking joy that last until you persuade said toddler to take a bath.

That’s it. Problem solved. Now all I have to do is figure out how to get them off of her.

This post was written as kind of a PSA for anyone out there with the same problem. I hope it helps some panicky mom or dad!

 

 

 

 

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