Archive of ‘Love those lists’ category

In Celebration of My 20th Reunion: Ten Things That Have Changed (and One That Hasn’t).

Right now, in a fancy pants ballroom in a posh hotel in my hometown, many of my high school classmates are gathering to reminisce, re-connect, and, I’m guessing, preen a little.

I am not among them.

High school was not a high point of my life. I wouldn’t relive those years for any amount of money in the world. But it wasn’t all awful. I have more than a few fond memories.

I’m a little bit sad that I’m not there.

So here, in no particular order, are ten things that have changed about me in the last 20 years.

1. I no longer have zits. But I do have wrinkles.

2. I no longer drive a shitty red car. I drive a pretty red car.

3. I no longer wish I could fast forward five years. I would, however, like to pause the clock.

4. I no longer have mall hair. I do have mom hair.

5. I no longer struggle with fashion. I do still  have a hard time with current fashion trends, though (I already lived through the 80s, after all).

6. I no longer think my parents are dumb. But I’m pretty sure my daughter thinks I am (sometimes).

7. I no longer have to punch a time clock. But sometimes I wish I could clock out.

8. I no longer wonder what I’ll be when I grow up. But every once in a while I have to remind myself that I’m a grown up.

9. I no longer have to eat whatever my mom cooks. But I really wish she was close enough to cook for me.

10. I no longer have a curfew. But I do have a strict 11:30 p.m. bedtime.

And here’s one thing that hasn’t changed:

I’m still madly in love with the hunky guy who escorted me to prom.

Me and Bri at prom

(But I am glad  that his waist is no longer smaller than mine).

 

The Top Ten Weirdest Ways People Are Finding My Blog.

Oh, Google Analytics. You’re both the bane of my existence and a reliable source of validation. You tell me who’s coming to see me, where they’re going, and how they’re getting there.

And sometimes?

The phrases people use to find me are downright hilarious.

So here, for your Friday night amusement, are the ten strangest, silliest, and downright laughable phrases people have googled…and somehow landed on my blog.

Along with the answers they probably didn’t find when they got here.

1. I hate tornadoes. Me too, but if you’re looking for a way to avoid them, you won’t find them here. I don’t even have a basement. However, I would suggest moving somewhere they have hurricanes. Awful, yes. But at least you have warning.

2. What would the world be like without books?  Terrible, awful, and not worth living in. Says the writer/bookworm who can’t even imagine such a thing. For more details, watch Idiocracy.

3. Things to get for my birthday.  Well, I don’t know what you want, but I’d really like a robot to clean my house (not just my carpet). And a Caribbean island. And lots of sparkly things. Does that sound good?

4. Does the grass come in different shades of green?  Well, yes. But the lawn on the other side of the fence will always look greener (unless it’s covered with dandelions).

5. Do working moms buy juice boxes?  I can’t speak for the entire species, but I certainly do. See also: rice crispy treats, Easy Mac, and hot dogs.

6. Selena Gomez armpits.  As far as I know, I’ve never seen her armpits. But I’m sure they’re lovely.

7. Why does Dora yell? I’m not sure, but I think she has a hearing problem. Either that or her mom’s always so busy with the twins that she has to yell to be heard. Either way, I wish she wouldn’t do it in my living room.

8. Can baby fever get you pregnant?  Well…no. Not exactly. However, baby fever coupled with an amorous (condom-less) lover within 24 hours of ovulation…that’s a sure fire way to get knocked up. Ask your mom for more details.

9.  My boobs get me mooing. Huh. Well, that sounds like a personal problem. An understandable one, if  you’re lactating. If not? Well, I hope your significant other is into mock-bestiality.

10. Big ass bunny on Google maps. This one made me giggle for about 15 minutes straight. But after I stopped giggling, I asked Google. And you know what? There is a big ass bunny on Google maps, in Prato Nevoso, Italy. A pink one, at that. And now you know.

What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever googled?

 

 

 

10 Things That Make Me Mad: The Drought Edition.

It’s no secret that I have a somewhat short temper. I’m the type of person who gets mad – often really mad – for about, oh, 2.5 seconds. Then I get over it.

Usually. But after 500 million billion zillion days of no rain, excessive heat and oppressive humidity, the mad? It surfaces rather more often. And lasts a whole lot longer. Just about anything can spark my temper, but some things do so more reliably than others. Here are ten:

1-5. Pictures like these:

Proof that everywhere else in the known universe is getting rain.

That is today’s weather map. As you can see, there’s a line of storms stretching from Texas to Maine. Want to know how much rain we’ve gotten? None. Not a speck, sprinkle or dribble. It is never going to rain here again.

6. Sad, drooping plants. My gardens are done for the year. Done. And it’s not even August. Plants that normally bloom in September have already given it their best – and failed to make a go of it. And it’s not that I haven’t watered. I have. But plants that normally thrive in the Great Lakes region do not handle sub-Saharan temperatures well.

7. People wandering around downtown without shirts, shoes…and almost no pants. It’s hot. I understand that. But if you’re going to be out and about in a pseudo-urban setting, you owe it to the rest of us to put clothes on. Especially if your body was at its best more than two decades ago. And as for you college co-eds hanging around in your bikini tops? I’m just not talking to you.

8. The calories in ice cream. When it’s this hot, consuming things that are icy and delicious is practically required for survival. It’s not fair that they insist on retaining their usual load of empty, hip-sticking calories.

9. The weeds in my yard. We haven’t had to mow our yard since mid-June. But the weeds that sprout, like cacti, from the middle of the barren tundra? They’re waist high. I hate them.

1o. Hot pools. The only outdoor adventure even worth embarking upon right now is a trip to the pool. But said pools? Are as warm as bath water. The only time I want to dip myself in water of that temperature (outside my bath tub) is if I am in a hot tub. In the Caribbean. Under a sky sparkling with stars. With the sound of the ocean surf pounding in the background. You suck, community pools.

Someday it will rain, I’m sure of it (some day when I am not on vacation at the beach, that is). Until then, I will remain just a little bit grouchy. You are all forewarned.

Mama’s Losin’ It

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