Internet, I have a confession to make. Despite a prodigally early start, my daughter, at age four, is still not potty trained.
She’s got the peeing in the potty thing down. That’s not a problem. But her poop? It goes nowhere near the potty. It lands in her pants (or pull up) if we’re lucky. But she prefers to keep it locked up inside her colon.
She seems to be trying to become a new kind of human. One that, if she only holds it long enough, tightly enough, can turn her poop into pearls.
But alas, she hasn’t succeeded yet. And even if she did, how would we get it out of her? Don’t answer that.
She has, however, succeeded in making herself completely miserable (and where she goes, we go too).
Because poop eventually has to come out. And when she holds it too long? Well it ends up with a kid crouched over in pain, whimpering in corners, and screaming about how much it hurts.
Not that that’s going on upstairs at this very minute or anything.
Nope, not at all.
And lest you think we’re being too soft on her, or not trying hard enough, or not being innovative enough, let me assure you. We’ve tried everything.
Cutesy iPhone apps.
Fake Disney princess calls.
Straight up threats.
Whole wheat bran flaxseed chia cocoa blueberry brownie muffin bites.
None of it works. In fact, the Miralax turns her into a psychopathic mini-Hulk (but that’s a rant for another day).
The latest threat was that she wouldn’t get to take anymore dance classes until she’s all the way potty trained. So she tried to convince us that she was.
Which led to more of that poop holding behavior.
Which led to the current state of affairs.
Which is about to lead me to a great big ginormous glass of wine.
I think my kid might be the first to graduate from high school in diapers. Fortunately, she’s pretty small, so they’ll probably still fit her when she’s a teen.
And hey, if my kid’s wearing diapers?
I probably won’t have to worry about boyfriends.
The bright side. Have to keep looking for that bright side…
I’m open to suggestions. Anyone got any brilliant ideas?