Just Write: The December Edition.

by Amber on December 11, 2012

I feel old tonight.

My bones hurt. My nose is running. My energy got up and left, leaving me with nothing but the desire to go to bed. And in my head echoes the phrase, “This is pretty surprising, given your age, but your knee is severely arthritic.”

That was the doctor this afternoon, sharing the results of my recent MRI. Apparently, I also have a torn meniscus and a bruised bone, which will heal. But this arthritis? It’s only going to get worse.

My knee is ready to retire. Unfortunately, the rest of me is still trying to keep up with a three-year-old.

And that, my friends, is probably why you’re supposed to have kids in your twenties.

I didn’t of course. I didn’t even think about getting pregnant until 30 had come and gone. Sure, I was only 33 when she was born. But now I’m 37. Staring down the nose at 40. Feeling (as I said before) old.

And still, I can’t admit to myself that Tori’s going to be an only child.

I’d still gladly do it again. All of it. The nine months of indigestion. The seemingly unstoppable weight gain (that has yet to disappear from whence it came). The mood swings. The saggy maternity jeans. I’d welcome it all with open arms.

I’d even deal with that postpartum depression crap again, if I had to. Sure, it sucked. Sucked hard, sucked long, just sucked, sucked, sucked. But even when everything seemed hopeless, there were still moments of joy. Bubbles of time to treasure. And a tiny little person who was mine to keep safe.

I miss that. More than I would have thought possible.

But I can’t even move.

And the child I already have has enough problems already.

I can’t bring another child into the world right now.

And soon it will be too late.

Stupid knee.

Stupid biological clock.

Stupid evolution.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Sometimes, even when you know it’s stupid, you’ve gotta Just Write.

 

 

 

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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

Ami December 12, 2012 at 8:58 am

When you’re young you’ve got so much time, too much time. And then somewhere in your thirties, time just seems to disappear. It becomes an enemy, someone to outrace. Getting old can really suck.
Ami recently posted..Affirmation.

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Meagan December 12, 2012 at 5:05 pm

There are a lot of days when I feel old too. Like when I kept injuring myself running (the reason I stopped in the fall). I’m pretty sure I have an arthritic toe, although I’ve never had it checked to get a firm diagnosis.

I was 31 and 33 when my kids were born. We had them close together because we were only getting older. I’m tired. I just don’t have the energy I had in my 20s. But in my 20s I definitely wouldn’t have been ready to deal with kids.

I need to lose some weight too. I was doing so well last year, but 37 seems to be when my metabolism just decided to rebel. I’m sure my thyroid isn’t helping matters. So do I start yoga? or water aerobics (because that’s a good way to feel old)? or Pilates? I ran again Sunday after about 2 months off (only about 3/4 mi) and my hip ached for 2 days.

I’ll join the pity party here and agree that getting older sucks.
Meagan recently posted..November goals progress

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Amber December 15, 2012 at 1:53 pm

It sucks, but it’s better than the alternative, I guess. :)

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Renee Schuls-Jacobson December 12, 2012 at 9:18 pm

I have an only child, too.

Because the delivery was a disaster.

And he has been a wonderful blessing.

He is now 13, and I now understand that I was built or one child. I have made my peace with having an only. I hope your dreams come true, but only children are really cool! And you will always have enough hands! :)
Renee Schuls-Jacobson recently posted..Make a Wish: It’s 12:12 on 12-12-12!

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Amber December 15, 2012 at 1:49 pm

That’s definitely true – two hands can only do so much! Thank you for the pep talk.

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