Unlike most of the 4,500 women currently preparing for their BlogHer trip, I’m not worried about the clothes I’m going to wear on my back or the shoes I’m going to put on my feet.
That’s because, for the first time in my adult life, I have a wardrobe I feel pretty darn good about. No matter what I throw in my bag, it will look fine – and more importantly, make me feel confident.
Nope, my worries are both eye-rollingly silly and completely Debbie Downer.
I worry that my plane will crash. Or terrorists will attack. Or something else truly Awful will happen, and Brian will have to raise Tori without me.
I wonder if she would remember me if the worst happened. If, at three, I’ve created enough of an impression on her for my memory to keep her company when I cannot.
I also worry that something will happen to Brian and Tori while I’m gone. That they’ll get sick, or be hurt, and I won’t be there for them. Won’t be able to get to them for hours and hours. That would drive me insane.
There’s nothing I can do about any of this, of course. The universe will do what the universe will do, and all I can do is hope and pray.
But that doesn’t seem like enough.
So instead, I clean the kitchen until it sparkles. Do all the laundry, folding and hanging every item of clothing they could possibly want.
Tonight, I will bake some cookies (and maybe some cake). I’ll change all the sheets, and clean the bathrooms.
I won’t be there to take care of them for a few days, but I can make sure the evidence of my love is everywhere around them.
Tori and I had some extra snuggle time this morning. As I held her sleep-warm body close to me, I whispered in her ear.
“Remember, sweetie, I love you. And even when you can’t see me or hear me, I’m always thinking about you, missing you, and loving you.”
“I’m hungry. Can I have some toast?”
That’s what you get for trying to get deep with a preschooler.
Brian, when told of my worries, says, “good thing we have life insurance on you, then.”
That’s what you get for trying to get deep with a smart ass.
Still, I know they love me, and they know I love them. We’ll be back together in a few days. Until then, I’ll carry my worries with me – along with the memory of my hubby’s teasing smile to calm me down.
That’ll have to do.