It’s no secret that I have a somewhat short temper. I’m the type of person who gets mad – often really mad – for about, oh, 2.5 seconds. Then I get over it.
Usually. But after 500 million billion zillion days of no rain, excessive heat and oppressive humidity, the mad? It surfaces rather more often. And lasts a whole lot longer. Just about anything can spark my temper, but some things do so more reliably than others. Here are ten:
1-5. Pictures like these:
That is today’s weather map. As you can see, there’s a line of storms stretching from Texas to Maine. Want to know how much rain we’ve gotten? None. Not a speck, sprinkle or dribble. It is never going to rain here again.
6. Sad, drooping plants. My gardens are done for the year. Done. And it’s not even August. Plants that normally bloom in September have already given it their best – and failed to make a go of it. And it’s not that I haven’t watered. I have. But plants that normally thrive in the Great Lakes region do not handle sub-Saharan temperatures well.
7. People wandering around downtown without shirts, shoes…and almost no pants. It’s hot. I understand that. But if you’re going to be out and about in a pseudo-urban setting, you owe it to the rest of us to put clothes on. Especially if your body was at its best more than two decades ago. And as for you college co-eds hanging around in your bikini tops? I’m just not talking to you.
8. The calories in ice cream. When it’s this hot, consuming things that are icy and delicious is practically required for survival. It’s not fair that they insist on retaining their usual load of empty, hip-sticking calories.
9. The weeds in my yard. We haven’t had to mow our yard since mid-June. But the weeds that sprout, like cacti, from the middle of the barren tundra? They’re waist high. I hate them.
1o. Hot pools. The only outdoor adventure even worth embarking upon right now is a trip to the pool. But said pools? Are as warm as bath water. The only time I want to dip myself in water of that temperature (outside my bath tub) is if I am in a hot tub. In the Caribbean. Under a sky sparkling with stars. With the sound of the ocean surf pounding in the background. You suck, community pools.
Someday it will rain, I’m sure of it (some day when I am not on vacation at the beach, that is). Until then, I will remain just a little bit grouchy. You are all forewarned.