All I Want For Christmas is…

Dear Santa,

Remember me? You should. You saw my boobs last year, after all.

You’re welcome.

Now, in return, I have a couple of little favors to ask. Don’t worry. I don’t need any extravagant gifts. I’m not asking for small boxes filled with sparkly things or large suitcases filled with money. I just need…you.

The mere mention of your name is enough to stop a hard core tantrum in its tracks. The reminder, “Santa’s watching,” stops my naked daughter’s mad prancing and gets her to sit still long enough to get her pajamas on and zipped.

The threat, “do you want me to tell Santa you’re being naughty?” is pure magic. It works whether I want Tori to sit down and eat her dinner, cease waving her dirty diaper around or stop throwing things at the cat.

It even makes bedtime go smoother. And that? Is a miracle.

So here’s what I need. I need you to hop on down our chimney once a month, every month of the year. You don’t have to bring anything big. Heck, a little play dough would be enough to keep her happy.

It’s not the actual present that matters. It’s the idea of getting a present—or, more to the point, having said present being taken away.

And while you’re at it, can you sprinkle the world with some of that magic snow, or reindeer poop, or whatever it is you use  and make the adults around me believe in you again?

Just think how much better we would all behave if we all thought someone was watching us all the time. I mean, sure, there’s God, but that threat is so old no one pays attention to it anymore.

After all, the Christian Right has already convinced the rest of us we’re going to hell simply for daring to believe that everyone deserves to be able to go to the doctor and kiss in public if they want to.

So what we need is you. We need a little Christmas magic 365 days a year. Do you think you could handle that?

Don’t worry. We’ll all pitch in to get the reindeer extra treats. And maybe even a little Jack Daniels for you.

Thank you,

Amber (the flashing mommy)

P.S. If you do want to bring me a suitcase full of money, I would gladly accept it. Just saying.



8 Comments on All I Want For Christmas is…

  1. Rebecca
    December 9, 2011 at 3:28 pm (4 years ago)

    All I want Santa to bring me is to a beach home down in South Florida. Nothing fancy, just a warm climate nearby the beach. Walking distance. Take me there Santa.

    • Amber
      December 11, 2011 at 9:34 am (4 years ago)

      If Santa brings you one of those, you’ll have to let me visit. That would be the best gift ever.

  2. Lance
    December 9, 2011 at 3:46 pm (4 years ago)

    in response to the flashing: same thing happened to my wife 3 years ago. our then 4 yr old pulled the same move and more than Santy Claus saw my wife’s ornaments.

    I just want these 4 women I live with to be happy. I mean, if someone wants to publish my book and short stories…ok…you know, maybe a six figure book deal?

    Merry Christmas so far, Amber

    • Amber
      December 11, 2011 at 9:34 am (4 years ago)

      A six figure book deal would be nice, that’s for sure. But if I wake up to a smiling family and a cat-vomit free floor, I’ll call it good.

  3. Katie
    December 10, 2011 at 9:49 am (4 years ago)

    I really love this letter. Santa works for my grandson and we do need some Christmas 365. Visiting from MamaKats and I am going to check our more of your blog.

    • Amber
      December 11, 2011 at 9:32 am (4 years ago)

      Life would just be better if we never had to take the sparkly lights down…

  4. Nolie
    December 10, 2011 at 9:32 pm (4 years ago)

    Got the booze and treats ready over here.

    • Amber
      December 11, 2011 at 9:30 am (4 years ago)

      Alright. Now all we need is for 6 billion more people to get on board and we’ll be all set!


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