My daughter loves Dora. With a passion. So much so that while sick over this holiday weekend, we have watched no fewer than 25 episodes of Dora the Explorer.
That left me with far too much time to ponder the intricacies of the Dora universe. Way, way too much time. And that pondering left me with questions. Questions that probably have no answers, but I’m going to pose them anyway.
1. Where the hell are her parents? I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but that girl climbs mountains, travels overseas and heck, even to alternate dimensions, all without telling her parents. This despite the fact (as we find out in the episode where her mom has a baby), she has a cell phone. Would it kill her to send them a quick text or two every once in a while?
2. Who built the damn roads in that town? I’m pretty sure most civil engineers try to avoid large, unmovable obstacles when building roads. So why do Dora’s travels always send her down streets that dead end at the Tallest Mountain, or the Prickly Forest, or the Really Huge Rock?
3. Why can’t they build a stinking bridge? Almost none of the rivers have bridges. And when they do, they’re always, always falling apart. Someone in that town needs to apply for some federal road money. Or at least stop relying on kindergartners to fix them.
4. Why doesn’t Dora ever know where she is? I understand why she might need to consult a map to find the end of the rainbow. But her house? Or the library? Shouldn’t she know how to get to these basic landmarks? Especially since, as we know, her parents let her wander at will?
5. Could someone please teach that girl some manners? I don’t know about you, but I don’t like to be yelled at. Especially by someone who’s trying to get me to do her work for her. And I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve heard her say please or thank you. What gives?
However, I have to give them credit for that backpack. It’s way better than a fairy godmother or some silly genie. That backpack? Gives Dora anything she wants. All she has to do is shout “BACKPACK!” It’s better than a money tree!
So, if you’re listening, Backpack, I sure would like a Caribbean vacation. And a money tree. Could I have them, please? No? Well, how about a toddler who sleeps through the night? Could you manage that?
No? Damn. I guess I’ll have to add that to my list of things I don’t like about Dora.