Why I Blog. The BlogHer Edition.

by Amber on August 5, 2011

I don’t know why I’m writing this. I don’t know where this is going. But right now, I need to write this post. And that, my friends, is what BlogHer is teaching me this year.

I write this blog because I have to. Because, by blogging, I have found a community I never dared dream existed. And because of you, on the other side of the computer screen, reading this right now.

I have a mental picture of my younger self right now. She is nine, maybe ten years old, sitting in a den of sweet smelling hay, hiding in the middle of a dense thicket. She is crying. She feels alone, and wonders why God couldn’t have made her more like everyone else, and a lot less like her.

I see my thirteen year old self. Crying again. The cheerleader who bullied her throughout middle school just told her that the beautiful flouncy peach skirt and top she’s wearing—the outfit that she loved—looked stupid and didn’t match. She feels alone and wonders why she can’t be more like everyone else, and less like herself.

I see my eighteen year old self. She’s perched on an ice-cold cement step, looking out over the campus spread before her with her head on her knees. She’s crying again. She thought that once she got to college, everything would be better. That she’d fit in. Instead, she’s still wondering why she can’t be more like everyone else and less like herself.

I see my twenty seven year old self. She’s locked herself in a bathroom stall and is leaning her hot brow against the cool metal of the door. She is trying not to cry. She thought that once she got her dream job and made it to the ranks of the Creative staff, she’d finally belong. Instead, she’s wondering why she can’t be more like everyone else and less like herself.

I see my thirty three year old self. She’s typing uncertainly. She looks intently and whatever’s blinking back at her on her screen and, with a deep breath, hits the enter key. She’s just written her first blog post.

She is on her way to becoming the woman she deserves to be. To finally learning how to love herself.

Through blogging, I’ve found myself. I’ve found what I love, what I’m passionate about. I’ve finally found a place where I can be me. Where I belong. Where people accept me—ugly warts and all.

Because of blogging, I can walk up to a microphone and speak in front of 200 people.

Beause of blogging, I can walk up to a stranger, stick out my hand and make a new friend.

Because of blogging, I am strong. I am powerful. But most of all, I am me. Finally.

Thank you. All of you.

Oh, and to all of my loved ones reading this and wondering if you need to pick up the phone and see if I’m okay? No. You don’t. I’m fine. I just…needed to write.

 

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{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }

Brene August 5, 2011 at 5:54 pm

Beautiful!

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Amber August 9, 2011 at 12:45 pm

Thank you! And thanks for the inspiring/gut wrenching/cathartic sob-inducing BlogHer panel.

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BalancingMama (Julie) August 5, 2011 at 7:44 pm

Bravo! Bravo! <– Standing ovation from me.

From this side of the screen, you are cool. You are smart. You are sassy, creative, and fun. You are an awesome mom.

And if – no, WHEN – we meet without the separation of the screen? I will believe all those things and more.

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Amber August 9, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Oh, we have to meet one of these days. I wrote this at a very emotional moment – I’m actually afraid to go back and read it.

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Erin August 7, 2011 at 12:35 am

Perfect. I love it. I am soooo glad you are YOU. You are my first bloggy crush and will always have a special place in my heart. You are amazing and talented and I am SO glad that BlogHer is inspring you yet again. LOVE IT!!!

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Amber August 9, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Someday, you’ll have to come to BlogHer so we can crush all over each other!

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Erica August 8, 2011 at 4:56 am

Beautifully written post from a woman who’s beautiful just the way she is.

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Amber August 9, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Awwww….I wrote this while coming down from a workshop-induced sobfest. So, you know. Take it with a grain of salt.

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Lady Jennie August 9, 2011 at 11:19 am

I’m glad you’re just like you. There are no other you’s in the world.

And I can relate, although it did start to get better for me in college. Many tears before that though.

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Amber August 9, 2011 at 12:42 pm

When I wrote this, I was feeling super emotional because of a workshop I had just attended. This is me, vomiting emotion…

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Barb August 11, 2011 at 7:02 pm

Your writing gave me the chills. This is the first time Ive been to your site (blog hop!) and you gave me the chills! How wonderful that your writing, your blog, has allowed you to love who you are!

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Amber August 12, 2011 at 9:15 am

Thank you! It was written from a very emotional place, to say the least.

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Good Girl Gone Green August 11, 2011 at 7:52 pm

So nicely written and it gave me chills. Keep being you, and keep on writing! :)

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Jessica @FoundtheMarblex August 12, 2011 at 11:27 am

What a beautifully written post. Just perfect.

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Amber August 15, 2011 at 8:55 am

Thank you!

Reply

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