Three Things I Look Forward To Telling Her First Boyfriend.

Ahhh, motherhood. Sure, it’s fantastically rewarding…but am I alone in periodically finding it absolutely infuriating? This has been a particularly tough day (and one that started at 4:30 a.m.), which means that I’m feeling less protective about my daughter’s future feelingsĀ  than I usually am.

So here, for her future embarrassment, are a few things that I’m sure will mortify her as an adult.

She is obsessed with bras. When she was an infant, she wanted nothing to do with boobies. But now? She does a bra check about 50,000 times a day. I have to be reeeaaal careful about what kind of neckline I wear in public, because she routinely tries to pull my shirt down to reassure herself that I am, indeed, wearing a bra. And if she finds that I’m not? Well, she just won’t leave the topic alone until I address the problem. There’s only so many times I can stand hearing, “Mommy’s bra?” Before I give up and go put one on.

She likes to hide when she’s pooping. Despite early potty training success, we are firmly in the domain of all diapers, all the time (and likely will be until she’s five). If I catch her with that peculiar, red-faced stoop, I will try to put her on the potty. So she’s taken to hiding behind furniture or running for another room when she feels the urge. And if I follow her? She stops what she’s doing and pushes me out of her line of sight.

She has an unhealthy obsession with hair. I’m guessing that her boyfriends will all have gorgeous long hair, because my girl? Likes nothing better than a handful of hair to pull. It’s a comfort thing, I think. She reaches for my hair when feeling insecure, or tired, or worried. That’s not all that weird. But you know what is? She likes to eat it. Seriously. She’ll latch onto a chunk at the roots and suck on it as she pulls it through her teeth. If she could, I think she’d wrench it from my head and swallow it whole.

There’s more, but I think I’ve embarrassed her future self enough (and I am really frigging tired). So why don’t you tell me what you look forward to telling your children’s future partners?

8 Comments on Three Things I Look Forward To Telling Her First Boyfriend.

  1. dusty earth mother
    April 24, 2011 at 9:23 pm (5 years ago)

    I tell you, the hiding-while-pooping story will get you some good mileage when she’s old enough to be embarrassed by it. Store that one in your memory banks; it will come in handy some day. :-)

    Reply
    • Amber
      April 28, 2011 at 9:58 am (5 years ago)

      I will. Oh, I will. It will be brought out often!

      Reply
  2. Kathy
    April 24, 2011 at 9:49 pm (5 years ago)

    My oldest son, age 12, is just starting to get interested in girls. I can’t wait to tell his first girlfriend a few years from now about his current obsession with not having a uni-brow (an unfortunate inheritance from his biological father). He gets regular waxes that he pays for himself with money he earns on his own. In between waxings, he borrows my “good” mirror (the one that has lights) and goes to town with the tweezers.

    He also liked to wear makeup at about age 3 (mostly just powder and occasionally blush), but I don’t know if I want to embarrass him THAT much!

    Reply
  3. elona
    April 24, 2011 at 11:09 pm (5 years ago)

    Oh my God! This just made my day!

    If it makes you feel any better Boba likes to eat my hair too.

    Reply
    • Amber
      April 28, 2011 at 9:58 am (5 years ago)

      That’s too funny. Silly Boba.

      Reply
  4. Jen
    April 25, 2011 at 7:50 am (5 years ago)

    Just think of it this way, when she can talk like really talk, she will tell her daycare friends all of your embarrassing little secrets. You are just evening the score.

    Reply
    • Amber
      April 28, 2011 at 9:58 am (5 years ago)

      That’s right. She undoubtedly will. SHe’s already telling them what color bra I’m wearing…

      Reply
  5. Rebecca
    April 25, 2011 at 1:33 pm (5 years ago)

    I always threaten (in my mind) that I’ll tell boyfriend’s and girlfriend’s whatever in the moment but right now…I have no idea…I better start keeping a list!

    Reply

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