Ahhh, motherhood. Sure, it’s fantastically rewarding…but am I alone in periodically finding it absolutely infuriating? This has been a particularly tough day (and one that started at 4:30 a.m.), which means that I’m feeling less protective about my daughter’s future feelings than I usually am.
So here, for her future embarrassment, are a few things that I’m sure will mortify her as an adult.
She is obsessed with bras. When she was an infant, she wanted nothing to do with boobies. But now? She does a bra check about 50,000 times a day. I have to be reeeaaal careful about what kind of neckline I wear in public, because she routinely tries to pull my shirt down to reassure herself that I am, indeed, wearing a bra. And if she finds that I’m not? Well, she just won’t leave the topic alone until I address the problem. There’s only so many times I can stand hearing, “Mommy’s bra?” Before I give up and go put one on.
She likes to hide when she’s pooping. Despite early potty training success, we are firmly in the domain of all diapers, all the time (and likely will be until she’s five). If I catch her with that peculiar, red-faced stoop, I will try to put her on the potty. So she’s taken to hiding behind furniture or running for another room when she feels the urge. And if I follow her? She stops what she’s doing and pushes me out of her line of sight.
She has an unhealthy obsession with hair. I’m guessing that her boyfriends will all have gorgeous long hair, because my girl? Likes nothing better than a handful of hair to pull. It’s a comfort thing, I think. She reaches for my hair when feeling insecure, or tired, or worried. That’s not all that weird. But you know what is? She likes to eat it. Seriously. She’ll latch onto a chunk at the roots and suck on it as she pulls it through her teeth. If she could, I think she’d wrench it from my head and swallow it whole.
There’s more, but I think I’ve embarrassed her future self enough (and I am really frigging tired). So why don’t you tell me what you look forward to telling your children’s future partners?