Baby Steps.

This morning, I flipped through Tori’s first photo album with her.

“Baby nite nite?” she asked, pointing to the picture of herself moments after she was born, screaming with the indignation of being wrestled from the cozy womb.

“”No, baby just woke up,” I replied with a smile.

“Okay,” she nods and flips the page. “Baby!” she says, pointing at the picture of herself getting her first bath in a roasting pan.

“Yes,” I say, smiling at the memory. “Baby.”

Flip, flip, flip. She arrives at one of my most treasured pictures – her smiling onĀ  a white blanket in the sun.

“Baby!” she says gleefully.

“Yes,” I answer. “Mama’s baby. Are you Mama’s baby?”

She shakes her head. “No. I girl.”

My heart stops.

****

Later, she clambers up the stairs, the baby doll she got for Christmas clutched in one hand.

“You want to go upstairs and play?” I ask, getting up to follow her.

“Noooo,” she says, shaking her head. “I go bye bye.”

I let her half walk, half crawl up the stairs by herself, then follow her to her room.

She sees me standing in the doorway watching her play with her doll, and a frown takes possession of her small face.

“Nooooooo!” she says, running forward to push me from the doorway. “Mommy go!”

Surprised, I step backwards obediently as she pushes me, stopping when I reach the landing.

“I go bye bye,” she says again, leaning forward so I can’t mistake her seriousness. I nod, and she returns to her room. She picks up her doll and twirls it in circles as I do her, crooning nonsense as she goes. Then she lays it down, covers it shirts and blankets and strokes its bald head.

My mind flashes forward 30 years, seeing Tori, now Victoria, soothing her baby to sleep. And my heart cries out in pain.

My Tori’s starting the long process of growing up, taking her first baby steps away from me.

I have a feeling this is going to hurt. A lot.

21 Comments on Baby Steps.

  1. Megan
    January 9, 2011 at 9:27 pm (5 years ago)

    Tears.

    Reply
    • Amber
      January 10, 2011 at 9:52 am (5 years ago)

      Happy and sad ones at the same time.

      Reply
  2. Jen
    January 9, 2011 at 9:42 pm (5 years ago)

    It does hurt but it is also pretty awesome. :)

    Reply
    • Amber
      January 10, 2011 at 9:52 am (5 years ago)

      You said it. Can’t wait to see the person she’s going to be.

      Reply
  3. Rebecca
    January 9, 2011 at 9:44 pm (5 years ago)

    My kids only pushed me away from their rooms when they were doing something naughty like getting paci time without actually being in bed or something.

    Reply
    • Amber
      January 10, 2011 at 9:51 am (5 years ago)

      Yeah, I was highly suspicious, but she really was just playing. It was adorable.

      Reply
    • Amber
      January 10, 2011 at 9:51 am (5 years ago)

      To make up for it, she got me up at 4:45 today. Now I’m like, oh okay. Growing up a little wouldn’t be so bad…

      Reply
  4. erica
    January 10, 2011 at 10:17 am (5 years ago)

    Oh, I know the feeling…

    But with every “bye, bye!” remember she’s going to call for YOU at… 4:45 am.

    Reply
    • Amber
      January 11, 2011 at 8:55 pm (5 years ago)

      Too painfully true, that is. I’m hoping we sleep tonight. Keep your fingers crossed.

      Reply
  5. (Florida) Girl with a New Life
    January 10, 2011 at 3:22 pm (5 years ago)

    What an independent little one you have. I think she is going to make you proud.

    Great writing here, btw. I completely feel your emotions.

    Reply
    • Amber
      January 11, 2011 at 8:57 pm (5 years ago)

      Thank you. She definitely knows her own mind – a good thing in a girl, I think.

      Reply
  6. BalancingMama (Julie)
    January 10, 2011 at 7:10 pm (5 years ago)

    It does hurt sometimes. But it’s also amazing watching them grow. Wait until a few months after she turns two. We have seen such a rastic change in Amelia in the past 8 months. It’s astonishing, but awesome. We can see her big kid humor and joy on a daily basis.

    Reply
    • Amber
      January 11, 2011 at 8:57 pm (5 years ago)

      Yeah, it’s amazing how fast they change, isn’t it? SO much fun.

      Reply
  7. Nelly
    January 11, 2011 at 4:05 pm (5 years ago)

    Haven’t checked your site for a while, I love your new layout. Isn’t it crazy how fast they grow. I’ll have to bring our baby book out tonight. (Found you on babycenter when we were preggo).

    Reply
    • Amber
      January 11, 2011 at 8:59 pm (5 years ago)

      Oh I’m so glad to hear from you! It’s amazing how fast it goes…they’ll be driving before we know it!

      Reply
  8. SaucyB
    January 11, 2011 at 5:09 pm (5 years ago)

    aw, tears in my eyes! What a very bittersweet moment.
    I remember when I looked through E’s babybook with him for the first time. He absolutely howled with laughter at the picture of him being bathed in the kitchen sink. He thought we were nuts for doing that.

    SaucyB’s last post… Tit for Tat
    http://bit.ly/fqcdec

    Reply
    • Amber
      January 11, 2011 at 9:00 pm (5 years ago)

      We joked about the roasting pan in the oven (for the photo opp) but decided that might be going too far. That solution was the product of two very tired (and not thinking too clearly) parents.

      Reply
  9. Ericka @ Creative Liar
    January 15, 2011 at 9:11 pm (5 years ago)

    Seriously teared up. And I don’t do the crying thing.

    But sometimes at night I get sad thinking about Ava and how this time with her is going to end way too soon.

    Reply
    • Amber
      January 15, 2011 at 9:26 pm (5 years ago)

      Way, way too soon. But at least we’ll have the memories…

      Reply

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