I always assumed I’d have two kids. I mean, if you’re going to totally disrupt your life to pop out one of the little buggers, you might as well have another to keep the first one company, right?
Then I had Tori. And man is she a lot of work.
Don’t get me wrong. On the whole, she’s a delight. A happy, well-adjusted baby who is rarely without a smile. She’s also rarely at a standstill. Every five seconds finds her doing something new—often something that requires my intervention.
And if I sneak away for a few minutes to take care of business (i.e. go to the bathroom)? A panicked Tori comes to find me, calling “Mama? MAMA!” until she’s once again physically attached to me.
The only time I can get anything done is when she naps and after she goes to bed. Which means that on most days, I get a whole 15 minutes to myself (most of which I spend blogging).
So I find myself wondering. How the hell would I ever manage two?
And yet, there’s that irrational, unreasonable part of me that just wants another one.
Wants to feel those little baby kicks. Wants to snuggle that itty bitty creature close. Wants to watch her (or him) discover the world. Wants to see that first smile, those first wobbly steps, that first mumbly word.
Wants Tori to have a sibling. Someone to laugh and play and fight with. Someone who understands where she comes from. Someone who will always be there—someone she can count on after we’re gone.
But I’m exhausted. And broke. Exhausted and broke and not at all sure we could afford another one.
So I remind myself of how much pregnancy sucked.
Of the bajillions of hours of sleep I’ve lost over the last two years.
Of how much I enjoy vacations, and how rarely I’d be able to take them if another kid entered the picture.
Of how little my husband wants to add to the cozy family of three we’ve created.
Of the near 100% chance that the next one will be a total hellion (if the first one’s golden, the second’s a mess. I’ve seen it happen more times than I can count).
But still. The Want remains.
What’s a woman with one conflicted ovary to do?