Grocery Store Wildlife Sightings

I am not a fan of grocery shopping. In fact, it’s probably fair to say that grocery shopping brings out the worst in me. So the people I encounter are doomed to piss me off at even the best of times.

And shopping  at my grocery store? Is never the best of times.

In fact, the store I shop at is home to some of the stupidest, most aggravating, most socially inept people on the face of the planet. If I were to ever get my super power of choice (i.e. the ability to make people and things explode with a glare), they would all be in a lot of trouble.

Here are five species of shoppers that I find particularly annoying.

The geriatric turtle. Now I’m not talking about Real Old People. In my book, if you manage to get to the age where you’re practically bent in half and have to focus all your energy on every step you take, you deserve a little respect (although I do wish there was a slow lane). Nope. I’m talking about the perfectly hale people who insist on walking at the pace of a crippled snail. The ones who travel four abreast, blocking the way with their slowly swinging backsides.

The multi-failer. I’m pretty sure that everyone is occasionally guilty of shopping while on the phone. I know I am. But these people? Attempt to talk on the phone, text their Siberian prison inmate boyfriend, paint their nails and read their grocery list—all at the same time. And in the process? They drive their carts like drunk people, cutting other shoppers off, blocking popular shelves and generally just beings pains in the ass.

The OCD couponer. Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against people who use coupons. But this particular sub-species of couponer?  Pisses me off anew each time she whips out  her massive portfolio. Every five seconds, she stops dead (without looking to see who’s behind her), searching through every single one of her five bajillion coupons for that one 15-center she just knows is in there somewhere before deciding which variety of canned mushroom/tomato paste/adult diaper to buy.

The frenzied family feuder. I know shopping with kids is no picnic. I only have one, and she drives me insane. I feel for those of you with bigger families. But these people? Take the insanity to a whole new level by bringing not just their seven kids, but also ten of their kids’ friends, their geriatric neighbor and their drunk ex-boyfriend along for the ride.  The chaos that surrounds them sometimes brings down entire displays—and renders entire aisles off limits to other shoppers.

The checkout counter craphead. Yes, I said craphead. If you demand your groceries be double bagged—in paper—by color, texture and weight, chances are, you’re a craphead. Especially if you routinely buy obscure items with no sku number on them (and have no idea where you got them from). Add fifteen points if you’re paying by check—and twenty five if you “have” to write it with your special pen, which is buried somewhere at the bottom of your giant purse. And if you stop to argue with the cashier about a ten cent discrepancy in price? Do us all a favor and kick yourself in the head.

These are far from the only obnoxious denizens of the grocery store, but they are, in my opinion, the worst offenders. Now, internet. Gather ’round and tell me who (and what) annoys you about your local mega mart.

It’s quite therapeutic.

16 Comments on Grocery Store Wildlife Sightings

  1. Elona
    October 25, 2010 at 9:51 pm (5 years ago)

    I freaking HATE it when they indiscriminately decide to move things around in my regular store. There is no change allowed in my supermarket! I know they do these things to keep people looking around and perhaps buy new and exciting products. However, I’m more likely to just get pissed off and leave if I can’t find my dip mix or can of mushrooms.

    Reply
    • Amber
      October 26, 2010 at 2:10 pm (5 years ago)

      I hear ya. They changed ours up a few months ago and I’m still trying to figure out where they put things.

      Reply
  2. Stacey
    October 26, 2010 at 9:05 am (5 years ago)

    I can’t stand the idiots with a cart full of crap that get in the express lane. Can you not read the sign that says 15 items or less? If you can’t, don’t worry, I’ll LOUDLY point it out to you when I get behind you with my 5 items.

    Reply
    • Amber
      October 26, 2010 at 2:09 pm (5 years ago)

      Yeah. That drives me bonkers too. As do the people with 50 items in the self-checkout lanes.

      Reply
  3. Ashleigh
    October 26, 2010 at 9:48 am (5 years ago)

    My Wildlife Sighting occurred last week—and dear lord if I don’t sound racist for posting this—The African American Reverse Racist

    Racism sucks. It’s the worst. Being a 100% caucazoid, things have fallen out of my mouth before that were not 100% PC. 99.9% of the time it’s a joke, a bad, failed joke.

    However, I’ve never screamed into my cellphone in the middle of the grocery store, full of 97% other caucazoids, “It’s all those rich white folks fault. They be tossin’ all their money around, giving poor folks money and things, that’s why we as a race can’t get jobs.”

    Well, box my eclairs!

    Reply
    • Amber
      October 26, 2010 at 2:09 pm (5 years ago)

      Huh. Seriously? That’s a ridiculous statement if I ever heard one. Can you imagine if the rolls were reversed? That’d be bad news indeed.

      Reply
  4. Erin
    October 26, 2010 at 1:38 pm (5 years ago)

    After reading your descriptions – I am pretty sure that I am a “Multi-Failer”

    I want help! Is there any known cure? I have been suffered silently for years – thank you for giving a name to my disorder:)

    Reply
    • Amber
      October 26, 2010 at 2:06 pm (5 years ago)

      Hmmm. I think the only solution is to put. down. the. electronics. :-) It’s amazing what you see when you look around – especially if you live in an ahem, socioeconomically diverse area like I do.

      Reply
  5. Lady Jennie
    October 26, 2010 at 3:16 pm (5 years ago)

    Aaaah – I got a good laugh out of this one.

    Reply
    • Amber
      October 27, 2010 at 10:22 am (5 years ago)

      Then my job here is done. 😉

      Reply
  6. Jen
    October 26, 2010 at 4:29 pm (5 years ago)

    I think that you just hit the nail on the head. Oh, I hate the grocery store but I also love it b/c I love to cook and I love food but I don’t like the mega mart.

    Its confusing, I know.

    Reply
    • Amber
      October 27, 2010 at 10:22 am (5 years ago)

      I hear you. If I could, I’d shop at the yummy local co-op, but they’re too dang expensive for anything but treats.

      Reply
  7. SaucyB
    October 26, 2010 at 5:15 pm (5 years ago)

    Oh I SO feel you on this one! How about this for annoying? Every notice right around Mother’s Day weekend all of the DADS doing the family grocery shopping with their kids with these stupid smiles on their faces like it’s the most fun thing in the world.

    You know why they’re smiling? Because they only do this annyoing task once a year! So they treat it like it’s a leisurely game and oh such a fun family activity. “I can’t image why darling dear loathes this so much?”

    Because when it’s the bazillionth time you’re doing this and trying to keep your kid from being a terror it’s a miserable task asswipe!

    SaucyB recently posted: The Kindness of Strangers
    http://bit.ly/9aXcJ1

    Reply
    • Amber
      October 27, 2010 at 10:21 am (5 years ago)

      Yup. My hub does the shopping slightly more often than that, but it always takes him triple the time. Sigh.

      Reply
  8. Tiffany
    October 26, 2010 at 8:38 pm (5 years ago)

    the slow movers. oy. the other day i was behind a perfectly abled thirty-something couple and their child wandering aimlessly down the bread/cereal aisle. aka: the most important aisle on the planet. i just needed one freaking loaf of bread. one. at the other end of the aisle. these people pointed, ‘oohed’ and ‘ahhed’ like tourists, walked without purpose. totally deserve a punch in the neck.

    Reply
    • Amber
      October 27, 2010 at 10:20 am (5 years ago)

      I just don’t understand those people. If I’m at the grocery store, I’m in a HURRY! Who has time to browse?

      Reply

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