I am not a fan of grocery shopping. In fact, it’s probably fair to say that grocery shopping brings out the worst in me. So the people I encounter are doomed to piss me off at even the best of times.
And shopping at my grocery store? Is never the best of times.
In fact, the store I shop at is home to some of the stupidest, most aggravating, most socially inept people on the face of the planet. If I were to ever get my super power of choice (i.e. the ability to make people and things explode with a glare), they would all be in a lot of trouble.
Here are five species of shoppers that I find particularly annoying.
The geriatric turtle. Now I’m not talking about Real Old People. In my book, if you manage to get to the age where you’re practically bent in half and have to focus all your energy on every step you take, you deserve a little respect (although I do wish there was a slow lane). Nope. I’m talking about the perfectly hale people who insist on walking at the pace of a crippled snail. The ones who travel four abreast, blocking the way with their slowly swinging backsides.
The multi-failer. I’m pretty sure that everyone is occasionally guilty of shopping while on the phone. I know I am. But these people? Attempt to talk on the phone, text their Siberian prison inmate boyfriend, paint their nails and read their grocery list—all at the same time. And in the process? They drive their carts like drunk people, cutting other shoppers off, blocking popular shelves and generally just beings pains in the ass.
The OCD couponer. Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against people who use coupons. But this particular sub-species of couponer? Pisses me off anew each time she whips out her massive portfolio. Every five seconds, she stops dead (without looking to see who’s behind her), searching through every single one of her five bajillion coupons for that one 15-center she just knows is in there somewhere before deciding which variety of canned mushroom/tomato paste/adult diaper to buy.
The frenzied family feuder. I know shopping with kids is no picnic. I only have one, and she drives me insane. I feel for those of you with bigger families. But these people? Take the insanity to a whole new level by bringing not just their seven kids, but also ten of their kids’ friends, their geriatric neighbor and their drunk ex-boyfriend along for the ride. The chaos that surrounds them sometimes brings down entire displays—and renders entire aisles off limits to other shoppers.
The checkout counter craphead. Yes, I said craphead. If you demand your groceries be double bagged—in paper—by color, texture and weight, chances are, you’re a craphead. Especially if you routinely buy obscure items with no sku number on them (and have no idea where you got them from). Add fifteen points if you’re paying by check—and twenty five if you “have” to write it with your special pen, which is buried somewhere at the bottom of your giant purse. And if you stop to argue with the cashier about a ten cent discrepancy in price? Do us all a favor and kick yourself in the head.
These are far from the only obnoxious denizens of the grocery store, but they are, in my opinion, the worst offenders. Now, internet. Gather ’round and tell me who (and what) annoys you about your local mega mart.
It’s quite therapeutic.