This week, in honor of my second blogoversary, I am participating in the Back to Blogging event over at The SITS Girls. Today’s assignment? Re-post the very first post you ever wrote and reflect. So, now, for your reading pleasure, I give you…
Who, Me? A Mommy?
It was 6:25 a.m. on a Saturday. It was, in other words, many hours before I intended to leave my cozy nest of a bed. In fact, I’d been determinedly ignoring my hungry, howling cats for an hour, but when the dog stuck his cold nose in my face and sneezed, I gave up. I stumbled out of bed and stomped down the stairs, snarling “I really hate you guys right now. Hate, HATE, HATE you, you hear me?”
And that’s when it struck me.
Oh my God, I’m going to be a mommy.
What kind of mommy tells her children she hates them?
Holy crap, I’m going to be a Bad Mommy.
In theory, I’d already known I was pregnant for several weeks. But since no one knew but my husband, pregnancy seemed more like a never-ending case of the flu than the beginning of a life-changing event.
But as I sobbed my heart out at the kitchen table, reality set in. Soon, I’d be wholly responsible for another little person—and my every action would have an impact on their life. Every cross word, black-hearted glare and snide remark could be the one that sends them to therapy in their adult years.
I resolved to be a nicer person after that. A better person. One who could conceivably be viewed as capable of raising a child—hopefully one without too big of a risk of becoming a serial killer.
It’s several weeks later now, and things are still a little touch and go. I haven’t cussed at my pets lately. But I have snarled at my husband more than once or twice. I’m starting to feel excited now, even overjoyed. And although I haven’t met my baby yet, I already love her (or him) with a ferocity that surprises me.
But those moments of panic? They still sneak up on me. I’ll be minding my own business, flipping channels on the TV, when with a suddenness that stops my heart, I remember—I’m going to be a mommy. Who the heck thought that was a good idea?
Still with me? Good. This is the part where I’m supposed to tell you what, with all the so-called wisdom I’ve gained since, I would change about this post. But you know what? I wouldn’t change a single word. Not one. I love this post. It perfectly captures how I was feeling at that moment in time—the joy, the bewilderment, the outright fear. I was on my way to becoming something I never thought I would—a mom—and was not at all sure how to feel about it.
For the record, I don’t think I’ve done anything she’ll be wailing about in future therapy sessions yet. But I’m sure it’s only a matter of time.
What was your first post about, dear readers? Are you proud of it, or do you wish you could scrape it from the face of the interwebz?
Back to Blogging is sponsored by Standards of Excellence, Westar Kitchen and Bath, and Florida Builder Appliances.