Where It All Began.

This week, in honor of my second blogoversary, I am participating in the Back to Blogging event over at The SITS Girls. Today’s assignment? Re-post the very first post you ever wrote and reflect. So, now, for your reading pleasure, I give you…

Who, Me? A Mommy?

It was 6:25 a.m. on a Saturday. It was, in other words, many hours before I intended to leave my cozy nest of a bed. In fact, I’d been determinedly ignoring my hungry, howling cats for an hour, but when the dog stuck his cold nose in my face and sneezed, I gave up. I stumbled out of bed and stomped down the stairs, snarling “I really hate you guys right now. Hate, HATE, HATE you, you hear me?”

And that’s when it struck me.

Oh my God, I’m going to be a mommy.

What kind of mommy tells her children she hates them?

Holy crap, I’m going to be a Bad Mommy.

In theory, I’d already known I was pregnant for several weeks. But since no one knew but my husband, pregnancy seemed more like a never-ending case of the flu than the beginning of a life-changing event.

But as I sobbed my heart out at the kitchen table, reality set in. Soon, I’d be wholly responsible for another little person—and my every action would have an impact on their life. Every cross word, black-hearted glare and snide remark could be the one that sends them to therapy in their adult years.

I resolved to be a nicer person after that. A better person. One who could conceivably be viewed as capable of raising a child—hopefully one without too big of a risk of becoming a serial killer.

It’s several weeks later now, and things are still a little touch and go. I haven’t cussed at my pets lately. But I have snarled at my husband more than once or twice. I’m starting to feel excited now, even overjoyed. And although I haven’t met my baby yet, I already love her (or him) with a ferocity that surprises me.

But those moments of panic? They still sneak up on me. I’ll be minding my own business, flipping channels on the TV, when with a suddenness that stops my heart, I remember—I’m going to be a mommy. Who the heck thought that was a good idea?

Still with me? Good. This is the part where I’m supposed to tell you what, with all the so-called wisdom I’ve gained since, I would change about this post. But you know what? I wouldn’t change a single word. Not one. I love this post. It perfectly captures how I was feeling at that moment in time—the joy, the bewilderment, the outright fear. I was on my way to becoming something I never thought I would—a mom—and was not at all sure how to feel about it.

For the record, I don’t think I’ve done anything she’ll be wailing about in future therapy sessions yet. But I’m sure it’s only a matter of time.

What was your first post about, dear readers? Are you proud of it, or do you wish you could scrape it from the face of the interwebz?

Back to Blogging is sponsored by  Standards of Excellence, Westar Kitchen and Bath, and Florida Builder Appliances.

14 Comments on Where It All Began.

  1. alicia
    September 13, 2010 at 9:07 pm (5 years ago)

    I often STILL worry about my kids ending up in therapy or SPRINGER because of me. Maybe that’s why I am laughing. We are only human and prone to error. And just so ya know, for the first few years they don’t remember much. Lots of time to figure it out. :)

    • Amber
      September 14, 2010 at 8:59 am (5 years ago)

      I’m counting on her having a bad memory, that’s for sure. But hey, therapy is practically a rite of passage, isn’t it?

  2. Karen and Gerard
    September 13, 2010 at 9:22 pm (5 years ago)

    Great post expressing your anxiety about motherhood. I think I’d feel the same way!

    Stopping by from SITS. I got mine posted late too.

    • Amber
      September 14, 2010 at 8:59 am (5 years ago)

      I think everyone does…maybe not quite so much, but still. It’s natural…I hope.

  3. julia
    September 13, 2010 at 10:37 pm (5 years ago)

    wow. you said it all. so many thoughts about motherhood before you are actually a mom.

    i see in your profile that you are in IN… shoot me an email and tell me where!! we might be neighbors!!

  4. Elona
    September 13, 2010 at 11:04 pm (5 years ago)

    Reading this post again just reminds me how I am in so much awe of your talent.

    *hugs you*

    • Amber
      September 14, 2010 at 9:00 am (5 years ago)

      awww, shucks. thanks lady. *hugs you back*

  5. information technology
    September 14, 2010 at 1:59 am (5 years ago)

    Pretty nice post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed browsing your blog posts. In any case I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you write again soon!

  6. Baby Pickel
    September 14, 2010 at 8:48 am (5 years ago)

    Happy Blogging-versary! 😉
    Loved what you shared with us in your first post :) You’ve come a long way.

    • Amber
      September 14, 2010 at 9:01 am (5 years ago)

      I think I’m about 90 in blog years at this point. Will I make it to 135? Probably.

  7. Pollyanna
    September 14, 2010 at 5:14 pm (5 years ago)

    Geez, I blew right by my second blogaversary – it was back on the 3rd. Oops.

    I’m sure my kids will need therapy. My poor youngest daughter – her nick name is Stinkles and we’re constantly telling her to hurry up. She totally marches to the beat of her own drummer and he’s playing a funeral march.

    • Amber
      September 15, 2010 at 10:40 am (5 years ago)

      Well happy belated blogaversary. “He’s playing a funeral march.” Ha! That’s a fab turn of phrase.

  8. one cluttered brain
    September 14, 2010 at 5:39 pm (5 years ago)

    Oh lady. I don’t even compare! Your posts ARE AWESOME.
    Even from Day 1.
    Love it.
    but Thelma and Loise are mine ya know….lol. 😀

    • Amber
      September 15, 2010 at 10:39 am (5 years ago)

      That’s okay. You can have them…although I would not object if they made it my way.


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