An Unrecognized Masterpiece.

It’s day two of the Back to Blogging event over at The SITS Girls. And today, I’m re-posting an old favorite—one that didn’t get the appropriate amount of love the first time around. So without further ado, I give you…

A Visit With A Little Green Monster.

One evening not too terribly long ago, I sat snuggled up on the couch with a nice glass of wine when an unexpected visitor plopped down next to me.

LITTLE GREEN MONSTER: Hey, whatcha drinking there?

ME: Wine.

MONSTER: Out of a plastic cup?

ME: The good glasses are in the dishwasher. And besides, who cares? It tastes the same no matter what you drink it out of.

MONSTER: I dunno. It just seems a little pathetic. I’ll bet Melissa never drinks wine out of dixie cups.

ME: How would you know?

MONSTER: I’m just guessing. But a little birdy told me she has a cleaning service come in twice a week, so there’s probably no shortage of clean glasses.

ME: A  maid? Well…good for her. She works hard. She deserves it.

MONSTER: Just like Tabitha deserved that European vacation, right? Just months after her Jamaican escape?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.

MONSTER: Hey, did you hear about Jeremy’s new job?

ME: No. He got a new job? That’s great. Where at?

MONSTER: I don’t remember the agency. But he’s already hard at work concepting a Super Bowl commercial for next year.

ME: Him? A Super Bowl commercial? But I’m ten times as talented as he is. That conceited ha-(PAUSES AND BREATHES DEEPLY). I mean…how awesome. I’m sure he’ll do great.

MONSTER: Yep. He’s got it made. Kinda like Cindy.

ME: Cindy?

MONSTER: You didn’t know? She met a millionaire on the set of that reality TV show she was doing. Now they’re getting married and moving to Hawaii. I hear there’s already a bun in the oven, if you know what I’m sayin’.

ME (MUTTERING): We’ll see how much he likes her when she’s carrying 25 pounds of baby weight two years from now….

MONSTER: What was that?

ME: Ummmm, nothing. Nothing at all. Just wondering what I should get them for a wedding gift.

MONSTER: Not sure. Maybe you should go in with Jackie on something.

ME: You’re right, I should. I haven’t talked to her since she had her baby. It’d be a good excuse to give her a call.

MONSTER: Well, if you decide to get together, meet somewhere that’s not too crowded. Otherwise you won’t recognize her.

ME: What are you talking about? Of course I will – I’ve known her for 15 years!

MONSTER: Yeah, but you’ve never seen her this thin. She’s down to a size two now.

ME: What? But her baby’s only five months old. How is that possible?

MONSTER: When Paramount bought the rights to that book she wrote, she figured she better slim down before Hollywood came calling.

ME: She’s got a movie deal? But that’s not fair! She’s not even a real writer—she just did it to pass the time while she was on bed rest. I’ve been writing since the third grade, and what do I have to show for it?

MONSTER: An ulcer and a mountain of debt?


MONSTER: Hey, where you going?

ME: To the store. I need some more wine.

MONSTER: Well, you’ll have to walk. Your car’s in the shop, remember?

ME: Go away. I hate you!

MONSTER: Aaaaand my job here is done. Enjoy the rest of your evening.

ME (THROWING PILLOW AT MONSTER’S BACK): Enjoy your spot in hell!


This post makes me giggle, plain and simple. I often fall victim to that little green monster, for the most ridiculous of reasons. Of course, I was indulging in a fair amount of hyperbole here, but y’all know what I mean. And plus, I love me some sketch comedy. Think it’s too late to become an SNL writer? Just smile and nod—I don’t need my dreams crushed today.

Back to Blogging is sponsored by  Standards of Excellence, Westar Kitchen and Bath, and Florida Builder Appliances.

13 Comments on An Unrecognized Masterpiece.

  1. liz
    September 14, 2010 at 5:02 pm (5 years ago)

    i give you total credit that you admit to feeling these things. too many people would never have the guts to write what you did.

    • Amber
      September 15, 2010 at 10:40 am (5 years ago)

      It’s natural, I think. At least it is, unless you’re a much better person than I am!

  2. one cluttered brain
    September 14, 2010 at 5:24 pm (5 years ago)

    LOL! Oh no…..
    I’d say more WINE was definitely needed that day…
    And girl, You crack me up.
    Maybe you can be a writer for my talk show someday….I’m gonna be like Ellen and dance and make people laugh..YA, I am…

    watch me….

    Someday. Hopefully.

    • Amber
      September 15, 2010 at 10:39 am (5 years ago)

      I’m going to remember that, you know. After all, I have it in writing!

  3. Allison @ Alli n Son
    September 14, 2010 at 10:12 pm (5 years ago)

    I loved this post when I first read it. I can totally relate to it.

    • Amber
      September 15, 2010 at 10:38 am (5 years ago)

      Thank you! I worry that some are taking me seriously when I meant it to be funny. But what can you do.

  4. Elona
    September 14, 2010 at 10:36 pm (5 years ago)

    That damn monster lives with me CONSTANTLY.

    • Amber
      September 15, 2010 at 10:38 am (5 years ago)

      Me too. Well, almost constantly. It’d be nice if we could figure out how to be content with what we have, wouldn’t it?

  5. sara@domesticallychallenged
    September 14, 2010 at 10:51 pm (5 years ago)

    It made me giggle too…we are ridiculous in our jealousy sometimes, aren’t we?!

    • Amber
      September 15, 2010 at 10:37 am (5 years ago)

      Oh, yes. That little green monster is a tenacious bugger.

  6. MsBabyPlan
    September 14, 2010 at 11:08 pm (5 years ago)

    What a laugh!

    I am also following you :)

  7. Megan (Best of Fates)
    September 15, 2010 at 4:44 pm (5 years ago)

    Man, whenever I’m jealous it’s usually of strangers on the Internet – you have on massively talented group of friends!

  8. tulpen
    September 15, 2010 at 5:21 pm (5 years ago)

    oh. I know this bitch. I like to drown her in a bottle of wine. Skank deserves it.


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