An Unrecognized Masterpiece.

It’s day two of the Back to Blogging event over at The SITS Girls. And today, I’m re-posting an old favorite—one that didn’t get the appropriate amount of love the first time around. So without further ado, I give you…

A Visit With A Little Green Monster.

One evening not too terribly long ago, I sat snuggled up on the couch with a nice glass of wine when an unexpected visitor plopped down next to me.

LITTLE GREEN MONSTER: Hey, whatcha drinking there?

ME: Wine.

MONSTER: Out of a plastic cup?

ME: The good glasses are in the dishwasher. And besides, who cares? It tastes the same no matter what you drink it out of.

MONSTER: I dunno. It just seems a little pathetic. I’ll bet Melissa never drinks wine out of dixie cups.

ME: How would you know?

MONSTER: I’m just guessing. But a little birdy told me she has a cleaning service come in twice a week, so there’s probably no shortage of clean glasses.

ME: A  maid? Well…good for her. She works hard. She deserves it.

MONSTER: Just like Tabitha deserved that European vacation, right? Just months after her Jamaican escape?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.

MONSTER: Hey, did you hear about Jeremy’s new job?

ME: No. He got a new job? That’s great. Where at?

MONSTER: I don’t remember the agency. But he’s already hard at work concepting a Super Bowl commercial for next year.

ME: Him? A Super Bowl commercial? But I’m ten times as talented as he is. That conceited ha-(PAUSES AND BREATHES DEEPLY). I mean…how awesome. I’m sure he’ll do great.

MONSTER: Yep. He’s got it made. Kinda like Cindy.

ME: Cindy?

MONSTER: You didn’t know? She met a millionaire on the set of that reality TV show she was doing. Now they’re getting married and moving to Hawaii. I hear there’s already a bun in the oven, if you know what I’m sayin’.

ME (MUTTERING): We’ll see how much he likes her when she’s carrying 25 pounds of baby weight two years from now….

MONSTER: What was that?

ME: Ummmm, nothing. Nothing at all. Just wondering what I should get them for a wedding gift.

MONSTER: Not sure. Maybe you should go in with Jackie on something.

ME: You’re right, I should. I haven’t talked to her since she had her baby. It’d be a good excuse to give her a call.

MONSTER: Well, if you decide to get together, meet somewhere that’s not too crowded. Otherwise you won’t recognize her.

ME: What are you talking about? Of course I will – I’ve known her for 15 years!

MONSTER: Yeah, but you’ve never seen her this thin. She’s down to a size two now.

ME: What? But her baby’s only five months old. How is that possible?

MONSTER: When Paramount bought the rights to that book she wrote, she figured she better slim down before Hollywood came calling.

ME: She’s got a movie deal? But that’s not fair! She’s not even a real writer—she just did it to pass the time while she was on bed rest. I’ve been writing since the third grade, and what do I have to show for it?

MONSTER: An ulcer and a mountain of debt?

ME (GETTING UP FROM THE COUCH IN A HUFF): ARRRGGGGHHHHHHH!

MONSTER: Hey, where you going?

ME: To the store. I need some more wine.

MONSTER: Well, you’ll have to walk. Your car’s in the shop, remember?

ME: Go away. I hate you!

MONSTER: Aaaaand my job here is done. Enjoy the rest of your evening.

ME (THROWING PILLOW AT MONSTER’S BACK): Enjoy your spot in hell!

THE END

This post makes me giggle, plain and simple. I often fall victim to that little green monster, for the most ridiculous of reasons. Of course, I was indulging in a fair amount of hyperbole here, but y’all know what I mean. And plus, I love me some sketch comedy. Think it’s too late to become an SNL writer? Just smile and nod—I don’t need my dreams crushed today.

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13 Comments on An Unrecognized Masterpiece.

  1. liz
    September 14, 2010 at 5:02 pm (5 years ago)

    i give you total credit that you admit to feeling these things. too many people would never have the guts to write what you did.

    Reply
    • Amber
      September 15, 2010 at 10:40 am (5 years ago)

      It’s natural, I think. At least it is, unless you’re a much better person than I am!

      Reply
  2. one cluttered brain
    September 14, 2010 at 5:24 pm (5 years ago)

    LOL! Oh no…..
    I’d say more WINE was definitely needed that day…
    And girl, You crack me up.
    Maybe you can be a writer for my talk show someday….I’m gonna be like Ellen and dance and make people laugh..YA, I am…

    watch me….

    Someday. Hopefully.

    Reply
    • Amber
      September 15, 2010 at 10:39 am (5 years ago)

      I’m going to remember that, you know. After all, I have it in writing!

      Reply
  3. Allison @ Alli n Son
    September 14, 2010 at 10:12 pm (5 years ago)

    I loved this post when I first read it. I can totally relate to it.

    Reply
    • Amber
      September 15, 2010 at 10:38 am (5 years ago)

      Thank you! I worry that some are taking me seriously when I meant it to be funny. But what can you do.

      Reply
  4. Elona
    September 14, 2010 at 10:36 pm (5 years ago)

    That damn monster lives with me CONSTANTLY.

    Reply
    • Amber
      September 15, 2010 at 10:38 am (5 years ago)

      Me too. Well, almost constantly. It’d be nice if we could figure out how to be content with what we have, wouldn’t it?

      Reply
  5. sara@domesticallychallenged
    September 14, 2010 at 10:51 pm (5 years ago)

    It made me giggle too…we are ridiculous in our jealousy sometimes, aren’t we?!

    Reply
    • Amber
      September 15, 2010 at 10:37 am (5 years ago)

      Oh, yes. That little green monster is a tenacious bugger.

      Reply
  6. MsBabyPlan
    September 14, 2010 at 11:08 pm (5 years ago)

    What a laugh!

    I am also following you :)

    Reply
  7. Megan (Best of Fates)
    September 15, 2010 at 4:44 pm (5 years ago)

    Man, whenever I’m jealous it’s usually of strangers on the Internet – you have on massively talented group of friends!

    Reply
  8. tulpen
    September 15, 2010 at 5:21 pm (5 years ago)

    oh. I know this bitch. I like to drown her in a bottle of wine. Skank deserves it.

    Reply

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