In less than three days, I’ll be jetting off to New York City. Alone.
Once upon a time, that prospect would have filled me with nothing but excitement. I adore exploring new cities, and being by myself gives me the chance to prowl unnoticed. I can wander aimlessly, worrying about no one’s agenda but my own. I can plunk myself down a bench and people watch to my heart’s content. Or sit nursing a drink in a crowded restaurant, losing myself in the noise around me. It’s all up to me.
I have breathed in the bluesy rawness of Beale Street. Alone.
I have explored the French Quarter drinking a hurricane, accompanied only by the ghosts that haunt it.
I have even walked the bustling streets of Manhattan at night, taking a solitary trip to view the twinkling lights of the city from the Top of the Rock at midnight.
But all those adventures? Were before Tori.
Now, a tinge of fear shadows my excitement. What if some purse snatcher in Central Park gets trigger happy and takes my life as well as my cash? What if I get hit by a speeding cab? What if my plane crashes?
What would happen to my family without me?
Or even worse, what if something happens to Tori while I’m gone? What if a dog bites her? What if she gets sick and needs to go to the hospital? What if she wakes up in the night and needs her mommy?
I won’t be there. I won’t be able to get to her. I’ll be hundreds, maybe even thousands of miles away.
The very thought makes me sick.
But like Marinka at Motherhood in New York says, what I’m doing is important. Blogging is a big part of my life. It’s not just a hobby, it’s a second career. I need to do this for myself.
After all, Tori deserves a strong role model. A mother who hasn’t lost touch with her individuality. A woman who knows what she wants from life—and isn’t afraid to go after it.
So I’m going to go to New York. I’m going to learn everything I can at the conference, and make new friends, and solidify the bonds I’ve already formed.
I’m going to take time out to explore the city. I’m going to let myself get caught up in its frantic pace and step back to appreciate its strange beauty.
I’m going to get in touch with the free spirit who lives inside me and let her have her way for a few days.
But for every one of those seventy eight hours I’m away from my family? A little piece of me will be wringing her hands, counting down the minutes until she can return home.