Seventy Eight Hours.

In less than three days, I’ll be jetting off to New York City. Alone.

Once upon a time, that prospect would have filled me with nothing but excitement. I adore exploring new cities, and being by myself gives me the chance to prowl unnoticed. I can wander aimlessly, worrying about no one’s agenda but my own. I can plunk myself down a bench and people watch to my heart’s content. Or sit nursing a drink in a crowded restaurant, losing myself in the noise around me. It’s all up to me.

I have  breathed in the bluesy rawness of Beale Street. Alone.

I have explored the French Quarter drinking a hurricane, accompanied only by the ghosts that haunt it.

I have even walked the bustling streets of Manhattan at night, taking a solitary trip to view the twinkling lights of the city from the Top of the Rock at midnight.

But all those adventures? Were before Tori.

Now, a tinge of fear shadows my excitement. What if some purse snatcher in Central Park gets trigger happy and takes my life as well as my cash? What if I get hit by a speeding cab?  What if my plane crashes?

What would happen to my family without me?

Or even worse, what if something happens to Tori while I’m gone? What if a dog bites her? What if she gets sick and needs to go to the hospital? What if she wakes up  in the night and needs her mommy?

I won’t be there. I won’t be able to get to her. I’ll be hundreds, maybe even thousands of miles away.

The very thought makes me sick.

But like Marinka at Motherhood in New York says, what I’m doing is important. Blogging is a big part of my life. It’s not just a hobby, it’s a second career. I need to do this for myself.

After all, Tori deserves a strong role model. A mother who hasn’t lost touch with her individuality. A woman who knows what she wants from life—and isn’t afraid to go after it.

So I’m going to go to New York. I’m going to learn everything I can at the conference, and make new friends, and solidify the bonds I’ve already formed.

I’m going to take time out to explore the city. I’m going to let myself get caught up in its frantic pace and step back to appreciate its strange beauty.

I’m going to get in touch with the free spirit who lives inside me and let her have her way for a few days.

But for every one of those seventy eight hours I’m away from my family? A little piece of me will be wringing her hands, counting down the minutes until she can return home.

13 Comments on Seventy Eight Hours.

  1. Andrea
    August 2, 2010 at 10:56 pm (5 years ago)

    I can identify with reveling in the alone-ness, exploring a city in a unique and silent way. I did that in Oxford and in Florence. Its amazing. And I can also understand the nervousness for sure! Our babies are an integral part of us now, and the separation is probably harder on us than it is on them. But chances are everything will be just fine… and this will be good for you, strengthen who you are, and replenish your energy. Actually, I kinda wish I could go too!

    • Amber
      August 3, 2010 at 9:05 am (5 years ago)

      Well, I wish you could come too! I’d say maybe next year, but something tells me I won’t be able to afford to make this a yearly thing.

  2. Erica
    August 2, 2010 at 10:58 pm (5 years ago)

    You know I was okay with leaving B for a few days… Until I read this.

    We will have fun!

    • Amber
      August 3, 2010 at 9:04 am (5 years ago)

      Happy to share my insecurities. But you’re right. It will be full of awesomeness. I am excited, promise!

  3. Alexandra
    August 3, 2010 at 12:18 am (5 years ago)

    amber, is this the first time you’re going? what made you decide to go? to tell you the truth, ‘I’m afraid to go… I think Ii’d be so much money and I’d be overwhelmed…PLEASE tell us all about it.

    Have a great trip!!! love you and can’t wait to hear about it.

    • Amber
      August 3, 2010 at 9:03 am (5 years ago)

      Ah, it’ll be good. I know it. It’s just the first time I’ve left her. I’ve got work subsidizing me (hello free hotel room), so it’s not too terribly expensive. But I’ll have to impose strict spending limits! Thanks for the encouragement!

  4. one cluttered brain
    August 3, 2010 at 12:46 am (5 years ago)

    You will have a fabulous time!!
    bring me back something…lol.
    Nah, just take lots of pictures!!!

    • Amber
      August 3, 2010 at 9:02 am (5 years ago)

      I will bring you back lots of pictures. I’ll even take one with me holding my arm out as if its around an invisible person, so you can photoshop yourself in, and then we can pretend we met! 😉

  5. Pocklock
    August 3, 2010 at 10:39 am (5 years ago)

    I was a MESS last year leaving my Bean. A MESS. An anxious ridden, crying hysterical, barely got on the plane MESS.

    I had all those same thoughts. What if my cab gets in a wreck? What if I get attacked at Navy Pier? What if my plane crashes? It was SO hard.

    The night before I left, I read her Dr. Seuss’ Oh, The Places You’ll Go. I barely got through it. I had to do this. I had to do it, not only for me, but for her. If you have the book, give it a read tonight. You’ll totally get what I’m saying…

    Hang in there. And find me for a hug!

  6. Jenn
    August 3, 2010 at 2:34 pm (5 years ago)

    Wow. I can totally relate. I have a busines trip at the end of the month. I’ll be leaving my daughter for … gulp … 155.5 hours! I’m still talking myself into it, but I know it’s important for me to go … for all of the reasons it’s important for you to go to NYC. Good luck!

    • Amber
      August 3, 2010 at 5:14 pm (5 years ago)

      I’ve been lucky – I haven’t had to go out of town for work. It’ll be fine – they won’t even notice we’re gone, most likely.

  7. AmyBlam
    August 3, 2010 at 3:10 pm (5 years ago)

    You will be fine, fantastic even. You can’t stress yourself out worrying over everything.
    You’re a smart gal. I’m pretty sure you won’t be drunkenly running through scary parts of Central Park at 2am.
    I have the opposite problem. I love to take off by myself and do things-it’s hard for me to make plans to do stuff with a group-even when I think they are fantabulous and I WANT to hang out with them.

    • Amber
      August 3, 2010 at 5:13 pm (5 years ago)

      Well, we’ll just have to chase you down then. See you soon!


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