You know those people you see puffing alongside the road late, late at night? The ones who make you think, “geez, don’t you have a couch you should be sitting on right now? Go to bed!” Yeah. I officially became one of those crazies last night.
I didn’t have much choice. It’s been approximately 210 degrees here for what seems like the last 5,000 years (but has really only been a couple weeks). And when it’s 50 bajillion degrees outside, the only time it’s safe to venture forth farther than your front porch is after the sun goes down.
So out I went at 9:30 last night.
To those of you thinking to yourselves, “So what? Ain’t no big thang, sister chick,” I’d like to remind you of two things:
First, I am a royal klutz. I am perfectly completely capable of causing lasting damage to myself while walking slowly in a straight line down a perfectly smooth hallway with the noonday sun shining in. And at 9:30 at night? The way is far less clear than that.
Secondly, I am somewhat afraid of the dark. No, really. Blame it on an overly active imagination. Or on my tendency to read vampire novels (not a good idea when paired with an overactive imagination). Or on some childhood trauma too firmly buried in my subconscious to remember. But when the sun goes down, my bravery goes right along with it.
Which means that my heart was pounding before I even broke into a jog.
In fact, I spent the first few minutes silently chanting things like,”trip on a crack, break your own sweet back.” But then I got into a groove and started running to the beat of the music on my iPod. Until, that is, I scuffed my toe and almost went tumbling head over heels.
I turned the music off after that. And things got really spooky.
The grass rustling in the field next to me became a pack of coyotes stalking me.
The cute little bunny scurrying back into its den in front of me became a rabid rodent about to bite me.
The headlights on a passing car illuminated glowing eyes and flashes of white…was that a vampire?
And then I heard it. Heavy footsteps pounding behind me. A man’s breath erupting noisily into the night air. A Murder Man. And he was Right Behind Me!
Quickly, I tightened my headphone cord around my wrists, thinking I could maybe choke him if I had to. I wondered if I could knee someone hard enough to hurt without popping my knee out of joint. I wished I had listened to my husband and brought my phone…
And the man passed me, giving me a brief wave as he did.
“HI!” I said, brightly hysterically. And then I began to laugh quietly to myself, and, in fact, was in danger of losing it completely…until I tripped again.
I walked the rest of the way home.
I think I need a treadmill. One that I can run on from the safe, brightly-lit confines of my living room. Anyone want to donate to the Keep Amber Sane, Skinny and Scar-Free fund?
No? Well, you can’t blame a girl for trying.