If I Had a Million Dollars…

by Amber on August 31, 2010

Internet, I’m feeling rather broke right now. And when I feel broke, I like to imagine what it would feel like to not be broke. To, instead, have a well-padded bank account, credit cards with no limits (and no balances), and the ability to buy anything I want, whenever I want. To pretend, in other words, that I am a millionaire.

If I had a million dollars, I would…

Send all my laundry out to be cleaned. Sheets, underwear, dirty socks…all of it. I would let it pile up to monstrous heights and then drop it all off at the nearest laundry services center. Then I’d hire that launderer to come to my house and put it all away (after all, that’s the worst part).

Hire a personal chef to make all my weekday meals. Did you know  that there are people out there who will come to your house and make you gourmet meals that they then stash in your freezer for your re-heating pleasure? It’s true. And they bring all the groceries with them. Heaven, that’s what that is.

Get daily maid service. Bi-weekly cleaning ladies are so bourgeoisie. If I had a million dollars, I’d hire someone to come in every day. And leave me little Andes mints on my pillow. And maybe even make me one of these:

Towel Animal

Hire a stylist so good that she could do my hair and makeup while I get Tori ready in the morning. Because I usually get so caught up in chasing her around that I end up with a half-done face and hair that needs ten more minutes of styling to look good.

Get a personal assistant to pimp my blog. I am certain that the best way to get big is to comment endlessly and pimp relentlessly. But I don’t have that kind of time. So, clearly, if I am going to be the next dooce, or heck, even the next Aunt Becky, I need someone to do my pimping for me.

Get a body double for photographs. I don’t take good pictures. I just don’t. What I need is someone who has been trained to pose successfully. Then, of course, I’d need…

My own personal Photoshop pro. The airbrushing tools in Photoshop can work wonders. I should know, I work in advertising. This pro, would, of course, also handle every photo of me tagged anywhere on the internet.

Pay someone to invent run-proof tights. That’s just a dream of mine. Because I?  Never fail to punch holes in mine the first time I put them on (but continue to wear them for months, nonetheless).

Buy a sweet little jet, with a pilot to fly it. That way, when I get one of those urges to just. run. away? I could—and still be back in time for dinner.

I’d also need a private villa on the Caribbean, a team of baby wranglers at my beck and call and, of course, a personal trainer to whoop my body into shape. Maybe I’d even take up Scientology or one of those other religions crazy rich people get into (just kidding about that last one). At the very least, I’d pay off every damn one of my credit cards. Dare to dream…

What would you do with a million dollars, dear readers?

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{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }

AmyBlam August 31, 2010 at 9:03 pm

I am SO with you on sending out laundry and daily maid service. I shall also require a driver.

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Amber September 1, 2010 at 9:02 am

I like to drive myself. However, I would like a pet judge to absolve all the speeding tickets I would likely get if I could drive the (fast) car I really want.

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Betsy August 31, 2010 at 9:28 pm

I’m nodding along with each of these. Sign me up as well!

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Amber September 1, 2010 at 9:01 am

Consider yourself part of the Imaginary Millionaires Club.

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Natalie August 31, 2010 at 10:27 pm

I would just copy and paste your whole list onto my blog…seriously, I agree with everyone of them!
Natalie recently posted..Some Like It Hot

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Amber September 1, 2010 at 9:01 am

This morning, I am also wishing for a snot-catcher…to chase after my daughter and wipe her nose.

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alicia August 31, 2010 at 10:30 pm

I’m so with ya on the personal stylist and body double, preferably a younger model.

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Amber September 1, 2010 at 9:00 am

But she couldn’t be too much younger, because then it wouldn’t look realistic. Just slightly, am I right??

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Coma Girl August 31, 2010 at 10:45 pm

Other than the obvious – I would just walk away from my house that’s currently for sale and finally move – I would do everything you’d do. Especially the private villa!

And then I’d probably be broke.

Oh and my husband would say “nothing, I would put it in savings and not think about it”. He’s so boring.

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Amber September 1, 2010 at 9:00 am

My husband and your husband would get along well. I think saving money is highly overrated (which would be why we’re always broke).

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dusty earth mother September 1, 2010 at 10:00 am

yes. yes. yes. yes. yes.

and a personal massage therapist.

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Linda September 1, 2010 at 11:11 am

I am so with you on wishing I had a million dollars. Actually I would be satisfied with having all my bills paid off and only have to pay the every month expenses (utilities, mortgage, food, etc). But if I had a million dollars I would pay off all my bills and travel the world…or as much of it as I could (minus the countries that be dangerous to visit – not a big fan of shots or being shot at!). I’ll pay off your credit cards if I ever win the lottery my dear friend!

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Blond Duck September 1, 2010 at 2:30 pm

Popped in to say hi! I’m boring, so I’d put it in the bank.

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Jason September 11, 2010 at 12:20 am

If I had a million dollars, I’d split it 12 ways, then invest it in sequential accounts so each one pays out its interest monthly. That way I’d have a consistent income.
Not particularly imaginative I know, but practical, very practical.

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Amber September 11, 2010 at 8:51 am

And that is why I will never be rich…but you may very well be. Practicality wins, every time.

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Erin October 20, 2010 at 8:58 am

I would give it all away, every penny.

I had a bunch of different answers but this is the only one that is truly authentic for me.

Don’t think that I’m a generous person – I just HATE to make decisions.
Erin recently posted..Isnt It All Worth It

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Amber October 20, 2010 at 10:05 am

Snort. I’m not a fan of decisions either. But I couldn’t bear to give it away!

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