Call Me A Convert.

For many a year, I resisted the siren call of high-tech torture devices in disguise body shapers. They, I insisted, were for only the vain and insecure. And while my body was far from perfect, I preferred to disguise its defects with well-designed clothing, not girdles.

Then I had a baby. After which, the lumps and bumps that had bothered me before became magnified by a factor of five million. But still I held out (though mostly only because funds have been too tight to splurge on such frivolities).

But, internet? I have seen the light.

While I was at BlogHer (that tiny little conference one or two people were talking about a few weeks ago), I spent some time in the Expo Hall (i.e. 30,000 square feet filled with free stuff). And in the Expo Hall was a booth hawking Assets – Spanx for the Target set. The lady was nice, so I spent some time chatting with her, and got talked into taking something called a “Fantastic Firmers Mid Thigh Shaper.”

Now, internet, I never intended to actually wear it. But that night, I was going out on the town with the girls. In New York City. My pride demanded that I make my lumpy body look as good as I could. So I reluctantly pulled the shaper out of the package and put it on – fully expecting it to be horribly uncomfortable.

But…it wasn’t. At all. And when I put my dress on over it? I admit, I was pleased with the result. I wore the shaper all night long, tramping around in the muggy awfulness of New York City during a heat wave, and never felt bothered by it. In fact, since it kept my sweaty thighs from chafing (I know, ick, but you know what I’m talking about, right?)  it could be argued that my Fantastic Firmer actually made me more comfortable.

Still, I didn’t think I’d ever wear it again. In fact, I balled it up in the bottom of my suitcase and forgot about it.

Until this dress arrived in the mail.

oh la la dress from Shabby Apple.It’s from Shabby Apple. And I’ve been drooling over it for months, imagining it to be the perfect dress for my figure.

But when I put it on? The post-Tori mass of squishiness that still inhabits my abdomen pooched out horribly.

Crushed, I decided I’d have to send it back.

But then I remembered the shaper wadded up in my suitcase and rushed upstairs to find it. And you know what? The Fantastic Firmer did its job fantastically. The pooch was nicely held in. The dress was again an A-line and not a B-line.

So I’m keeping the dress and the Fantastic Firmer. In fact, since I can’t afford liposuction, I think I’ll probably even buy some more.

In other words, I owe the manufacturers of shapewear an apology. Your products are indeed a boon to womankind. Thank you for making these magical garments for us (but you’ll never convince me to like pantyhose).

Oh, and just to be clear – no one is compensating me in any way for writing this post (well, other than the BlogHer swag).  That’s not what this blog is about. I’m just excited about all the wardrobe opportunities that have opened in front of me and thought you might like to know about it too.  Consider this a public service announcement, okay?

12 Comments on Call Me A Convert.

  1. AmyBlam
    August 26, 2010 at 9:45 pm (5 years ago)

    I LOVE Spanx and Assets, I have slips, camis, bras (the bras rock) and even clothes. I sold out three Steinmarts in Alabama when I blogged about their clothes.
    My fave? Are the highwaisted shapers with pee holes. As odd as it sounds, I LOVE getting to pee without taking anything off. Wow. I’m lazy.
    They also are now making high wasited leggings with pee holes, I may never wear anything else.

    Reply
    • Amber
      August 27, 2010 at 9:07 am (5 years ago)

      I am wary of pee holes. But, since I “just” resigned myself to shapewear in general, maybe in another year or two I’ll be ready to take that step…

      Reply
  2. Liza
    August 26, 2010 at 9:57 pm (5 years ago)

    I don’t wear shapewear under my pants, but it has become a staple under a few of my dresses! Amazing what a little smoothing will do for a body!

    Liza
    http://www.amusingfoodie.com

    PS: Love the A-line vs. B-line comment. :)

    Reply
    • Amber
      August 27, 2010 at 10:09 am (5 years ago)

      Exactly. Not full force shrinkage, just… a little holding in. Makes a huge difference!

      Reply
  3. alicia
    August 26, 2010 at 10:28 pm (5 years ago)

    Sorry I’ve been away, but am back! This post was hilarious. And I know all too well about those unwanted lumps and bumps. It’s been a topic of discussion here too. never tried the spanx though. Hmm…

    P.S. I added you to my blog roll today.

    Reply
    • Amber
      August 27, 2010 at 10:09 am (5 years ago)

      Thank you for the shout out…and I’m glad you’re back! Couldn’t hurt to try…

      Reply
  4. Natalie
    August 26, 2010 at 11:12 pm (5 years ago)

    A public service announcement! I love it!

    I’m also a HUGE fan of Assets…seriously. And that dress is super cute :)

    Reply
    • Amber
      August 27, 2010 at 10:07 am (5 years ago)

      Well, you know, you’ve got to look out for your fellow bloggers, right? I heart Shabby Apple…could buy just about everything on the site!

      Reply
  5. Andi
    August 27, 2010 at 1:18 am (5 years ago)

    Ugh, really? I guess I’ll have to be the last of the Baby Mamas to embrace her poochiness and refuse Spanx-like underwear. I can’t do it. How can I even think of feeling sexy when I know its all being held together by a huge roll of duct tape and not a little bit of luck?!

    And, just for shits and giggles – my rant on Spanx-like underwear while I was pregnant.

    http://buninthetoaster.blogspot.com/2009/01/one-womans-spanx-is-another-womans.html

    Reply
    • Amber
      August 27, 2010 at 10:06 am (5 years ago)

      I know, I know, I never thought I’d do it either. But I’m still reserving them for a few pieces..I don’t think I could wear them every day!

      Reply

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