For many a year, I resisted the siren call of high-tech torture devices in disguise body shapers. They, I insisted, were for only the vain and insecure. And while my body was far from perfect, I preferred to disguise its defects with well-designed clothing, not girdles.
Then I had a baby. After which, the lumps and bumps that had bothered me before became magnified by a factor of five million. But still I held out (though mostly only because funds have been too tight to splurge on such frivolities).
But, internet? I have seen the light.
While I was at BlogHer (that tiny little conference one or two people were talking about a few weeks ago), I spent some time in the Expo Hall (i.e. 30,000 square feet filled with free stuff). And in the Expo Hall was a booth hawking Assets – Spanx for the Target set. The lady was nice, so I spent some time chatting with her, and got talked into taking something called a “Fantastic Firmers Mid Thigh Shaper.”
Now, internet, I never intended to actually wear it. But that night, I was going out on the town with the girls. In New York City. My pride demanded that I make my lumpy body look as good as I could. So I reluctantly pulled the shaper out of the package and put it on – fully expecting it to be horribly uncomfortable.
But…it wasn’t. At all. And when I put my dress on over it? I admit, I was pleased with the result. I wore the shaper all night long, tramping around in the muggy awfulness of New York City during a heat wave, and never felt bothered by it. In fact, since it kept my sweaty thighs from chafing (I know, ick, but you know what I’m talking about, right?) it could be argued that my Fantastic Firmer actually made me more comfortable.
Still, I didn’t think I’d ever wear it again. In fact, I balled it up in the bottom of my suitcase and forgot about it.
Until this dress arrived in the mail.
It’s from Shabby Apple. And I’ve been drooling over it for months, imagining it to be the perfect dress for my figure.
But when I put it on? The post-Tori mass of squishiness that still inhabits my abdomen pooched out horribly.
Crushed, I decided I’d have to send it back.
But then I remembered the shaper wadded up in my suitcase and rushed upstairs to find it. And you know what? The Fantastic Firmer did its job fantastically. The pooch was nicely held in. The dress was again an A-line and not a B-line.
So I’m keeping the dress and the Fantastic Firmer. In fact, since I can’t afford liposuction, I think I’ll probably even buy some more.
In other words, I owe the manufacturers of shapewear an apology. Your products are indeed a boon to womankind. Thank you for making these magical garments for us (but you’ll never convince me to like pantyhose).
Oh, and just to be clear – no one is compensating me in any way for writing this post (well, other than the BlogHer swag). That’s not what this blog is about. I’m just excited about all the wardrobe opportunities that have opened in front of me and thought you might like to know about it too. Consider this a public service announcement, okay?