The Thing About Depression.

I’ll bet you think you know what depression is. How it feels. What it takes to fix it. Lord knows there are plenty of “experts” out there willing to pretend they’ve got it figured out. But you know what? You don’t. They don’t. Heck, even I don’t, and I live with the darn thing.

Because depression? Is a changeable beast.

Sometimes it’ll hit you like a ton of bricks. One day you’reĀ  sitting in the sunshine of your mind, congratulating yourself on how well life seems to be going. The next, you find yourself drowning in a cesspool of despair, blind to everything except your own misery.

Those are the times you know you’re in trouble. The episodes that send you screaming for help.

But sometimes, depression is much more subtle. It creeps in, curling silently around you. At first, you don’t notice it much. Sure, you find yourself laughing less. Brooding more. But mostly, you’re fine.

But your energy lags.

Your smile gets harder to summon.

You start snapping at loved ones.

Then, it tightens it hold. And you find yourself wishing the world would just leave you alone. You start wondering if there any point to your life. If you’re doing anything right, because suddenly, it all seems wrong.

Your loved ones, those same ones you’ve been barking at endlessly, start looking at you with a worried frown. Even people you don’t know well begin asking questions. “Are you okay? What’s going on? You look tired.”

Still, you insist you’re fine. That there’s nothing to be worried about. But about the 500th time you give that retort, it dawns on you.

You’re not fine. Not fine at all. You’re about to be smothered by the Big Bad Beastie, and you’re not sure if you have the energy to fight back.

Because, depression? It’s exhausting. A never ending battle. And just when you think you’ve got it under control? It bitch slaps you across the face.

That’s the thing about depression.

26 Comments on The Thing About Depression.

  1. Marilyn (A Lot of Loves)
    June 29, 2010 at 4:35 am (6 years ago)

    I have two good friends that suffer from depression. It seems like an exhausting thing to suffer from.

    • amber
      June 29, 2010 at 1:29 pm (6 years ago)

      Yeah, it is. But I know how to manage it. I was just having a really sucky day yesterday.

  2. Allison @ Alli 'n Son
    June 29, 2010 at 12:33 pm (6 years ago)

    Oh sweetie, I hope you start to feel better soon. I have family who suffers from depression, it’s so hard.

    • amber
      June 29, 2010 at 1:29 pm (6 years ago)

      It’s okay. I caught it in time. I’m just so angry that I have to deal with this damn thing again…

  3. Brittany @ Little Miss Scatterbrained
    June 29, 2010 at 1:35 pm (6 years ago)

    I’m right there with you, and from one sufferer to another, I think that sums it up pretty well. In a nutshell, it just really sucks. I don’t think a lot of people understand that even when things are great, you still can’t get completely rid of it.

    • amber
      June 29, 2010 at 4:11 pm (6 years ago)

      Ain’t that the truth! I’m just glad that I live in a day and age where there are treatments and such. A hundred years ago? I can’t imagine how awful this dang thing would be.

  4. Florida Girl Meets the Midwest
    June 29, 2010 at 3:10 pm (6 years ago)

    Someone I am very close to has been battling this one for a very long time now. She has lost her house, her children, and she is lucky she is not homeless. Her path has been an incredibly sad, painful and lonely one.

    • amber
      June 29, 2010 at 4:16 pm (6 years ago)

      Stories like that make me feel grateful that mine is only a mild case. I can’t imagine the pain she’s going through.

  5. Natalie
    June 29, 2010 at 3:33 pm (6 years ago)

    Beautifully written. You have a way with words, and described it so completely. Depression runs in my family and affects many of us…I’m lucky enough that it’s only minor – some of my relatives find it slams them like a freight train.

    I’m glad you were able to catch it before it took over…

    • amber
      June 29, 2010 at 4:12 pm (6 years ago)

      Mine is usually pretty mild too…just enough to screw up my life a little bit. As long as I catch it in time, that is.

  6. Alexandra
    June 29, 2010 at 3:50 pm (6 years ago)

    I have suffered from depression ever since I can remember. I know it’s familial. My mother was an inpatient for it, and my father committed suicide. My grandmother was hospitalized for it.

    It is a daily battle. If it weren’t for blogging, I’d be in the ruts again.

    I feel what you write of , I really do.

    We had a man very active in our church kill himself in our church parking lot Monday. 63 years old…how his wife must feel.

    Depression, if you don’t have it, then you can’t know how it is physically painful. It hurts. It hurts as much as falling down and cracking your hip.

    It is a real pain. One that leaves you all alone and grabbing for anyone ..anyone….I read a post this week by litanyofbrit, and she describes it so eerily perfect.

    Sometimes, there are no words. You just want to see in someone’s eyes that they KNOW of what you speak of.

  7. amber
    June 29, 2010 at 4:14 pm (6 years ago)

    Well said. But with blogging, it’s impossible to feel completely alone…and that’s a good thing.

  8. Elona
    June 29, 2010 at 10:41 pm (6 years ago)

    Well said. And that sounds just too damn familiar!

    • Amber
      June 30, 2010 at 9:27 am (6 years ago)

      It’s funny how many people say that. It really is…

  9. Michele Chastain
    June 29, 2010 at 10:58 pm (6 years ago)

    Depression sucks for sure. When it’s knocking on my door, I remind myself that I’ve kicked its butt before, so I can do it again.

    Glad I found your blog. :)


    • Amber
      June 30, 2010 at 9:28 am (6 years ago)

      That’s all you can do. I know that’s what I’m telling myself! And I’m glad to have met you.

  10. Saucyb
    June 30, 2010 at 6:59 am (6 years ago)

    So much of this sounds quite familiar. For me, it takes form of feeling very overwhelmed and like I’m not doing anything right, that i’m a failure. What’s worse is that i try to hide it and then on the inside i’m screaming for someone to notice how unhappy i am.

    • Amber
      June 30, 2010 at 9:28 am (6 years ago)

      Yep. Yep. And yep. Good times. Good times.

  11. Gail
    June 30, 2010 at 11:57 am (6 years ago)

    So I’ve been to a few docs and therapists who tell me I have a very mild case. I struggle with thinking I have a very mild case and thinking that I am just lazy and ungrateful for my life. But I can definitely relate to the “will the world just leave me alone.” And yet, it is so hard to pick up the phone and make that first call to a new therapist.

    PS I follow you now…I totally thought I did before, guess not!

    • amber
      June 30, 2010 at 8:14 pm (6 years ago)

      Get yourself a new therapist. It’ll be worth it, I promise.

  12. Bag Lady
    June 30, 2010 at 7:26 pm (6 years ago)

    I could have written this. Gives me great comfort to know someone out there knows exactly how I feel.

    • amber
      June 30, 2010 at 8:15 pm (6 years ago)

      Misery loves company, right? I mean that in the best possible way. I’m glad I could help!

  13. Andi
    July 1, 2010 at 12:54 pm (6 years ago)

    Yup. Been there. But you know that, since I finally wrote about it, too. Seems there has been alot of this going around lately. . . .

    as if it’s the flu. Ha.

    All I can say is. I feel ya, girl.

  14. Jenny Matlock
    July 6, 2010 at 7:04 pm (6 years ago)

    Thank you so much for sharing this!!!

    Depression is definitely a changeable beast – I have suffered in the past from depression and have watched many of my close family members struggle with it. It is such a difficult battle and can be really hard when people don’t understand it. They just think that you are complaining and choosing to be that way and that is so untrue!!!!!

    Hang in there and keep up the fight!

    • Amber
      July 6, 2010 at 8:12 pm (6 years ago)

      Yep. A lot of people just roll their eyes and think you’re being a whiner. But we all know that isn’t true! Thank you for the good thoughts!


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