My inner voice and I? We’re having some issues. Serious issues. In fact, she’s been getting in my way lately. So, being the compulsive peacemaker I am, I decided to sit her down for a chat.
ME: Are you comfortable? Can I get you anything?
INNER ME: Like what – a new body to live in?
ME: See, that’s what we’re here to talk about. Your awful attitude.
INNER ME: I’m sorry, but if you were stuck inside you, you’d have an attitude problem too.
ME: What is so wrong with me? I take pretty good care of you.
INNER ME: Have you looked at yourself? You’re still carrying 15 pregnancy pounds. Your eyebrows haven’t been plucked in two months. You wear clothes covered in baby stains. You…
ME: Wait just a minute. I’m working on the weight issue. That’s why we ate salad for lunch today, remember?
INNER ME: (snorts) Oh yeah. That was great. Very healthy. Until you ruined it with those peanut M&Ms…
ME: If you hadn’t been battering away at me, telling me how tired you were, how staaaaarving you were and how you’d never be able to get that brochure done if you didn’t get some food in you, maybe we would’ve stuck to the grapes.
INNER ME: Well, it was all true. I’m not a rabbit, dude. I need food. Real food.
ME: Whatever. If you ever want to get out of this fat suit, we’ve got to work together.
INNER ME: Fine. I’ll try and deal with the hunger. But you have to talk to your stomach. The racket that guy was making this afternoon was enough to drive anyone crazy.
ME: Don’t worry, if we starve him enough, he’ll wither away to nothing.
INNER ME: You’re not really planning on starving us to death, are you?
ME: Hello? Have we not been sharing the same body for the last 34 years? I like food too much to do that. We’re just going to work it off.
INNER ME: (shudders) You mean run it off, don’t you.
ME: You’re damn right I do.
INNER ME: But that huuuuuuurts. And our knee, it’s delicate. We’re going to dislocate it again, I just know it.
ME: SHUT UP!
ME: We can do this. You know we can. It’s getting easier every time we go!
INNER ME: I don’t know about that. We get all huffy and puffy. And sweaty. I hate sweating.
ME: Oh, come on. Deep down, you know you enjoy it. Remember how good it felt to run for 20 straight minutes this evening?
INNER ME: Well, yeah, those endorphins. They’re a pretty good drug.
ME: Right. So if you work with me, you’ll get more hits like that.
INNER ME: Well when you put it that way…
ME: Tell you what. You support me in this and I’ll get some new clothes. Without baby stains.
INNER ME: From Kohls? Excuse me while I go do a happy dance.
ME: Is that negativity I hear? It sounds like negativity. Negative Nellies don’t shop in New York City.
INNER ME: I mean, that sounds awesome. Size 10 jeans, here we come!
ME: That’s more like it.
TO BE CONTINUED…