Wordful Wednesday: The Promise I Made.

It was day two of Tori’s short life. We were alone in our hospital room, listening to the rain pounding on the window as we memorized the lines of each other’s faces. Ever so gently, I pulled her arm from the swaddling that engulfed her and counted her impossibly tiny fingers.

She seemed so small. So delicate. So ridiculously breakable.

As I stared down into her blue, blue eyes, I made her a promise.

I promised to keep her safe from the big bad world.

To protect her from the bad, the evil and the merely indifferent.

To surround her with goodness, with happiness and with light.

To help her to grow up to be strong, and confident, and sure.

To be there to share in her triumphs and take the sting out of her defeats.

To surround her with people who share my fierce devotion to her well-being.

To love her unconditionally with every beat of my heart.

I made her a promise.

And that’s why this search for a new daycare is breaking my heart.

How can I tell this face that she’ll have to spend her days in a space smaller than our family room at home?

How can I tell her that her time will be strictly regimented, that she can only sleep between 12 and 2, and only play outside for thirty minutes each day?

How can I tell her that her caregiver might let her sleep slumped over in her high chair, or step on her while passing through the room, or ignore her cries because five other children need her more?

How can I tell her that I chose a daycare that was simply “good enough?”

How?


14 Comments on Wordful Wednesday: The Promise I Made.

  1. alicia
    May 19, 2010 at 10:32 pm (6 years ago)

    Great pics. Sweet promise. You are a good mama. Happy WW! Drop by and link up!

    Reply
  2. Travel & Dive Girl
    May 19, 2010 at 11:35 pm (6 years ago)

    My heart is breaking just thinking about your problem.

    The thing you have to remember – at the end of the day, you love her more than she will ever be able to understand and that she is the main reason you probably work in the first place – to provide for her and for her future. You are a great mother and don't ever second guess the decisions you make. She will love you unconditionally.

    Good luck…

    Reply
  3. Shell
    May 20, 2010 at 1:43 am (6 years ago)

    Oh, mama, what a beautiful promise.

    It doesn't sound like you knew what you were getting into and now you are going to fix it.

    Reply
  4. Tyne
    May 20, 2010 at 3:27 am (6 years ago)

    Oh she is soooo darling! I can see you dilemna… is there any other way? Any crazy mad sacrifices that you can make to stay home with her? Maybe you could care for another child or two at home to supplement income? I do hope that all works out and I know that the love you have for her will be well-received when you pick her up each day!

    Reply
  5. ijogthereforeiblog
    May 20, 2010 at 3:27 am (6 years ago)

    Good luck my friend. not an easy choice.

    Reply
  6. Brittany
    May 20, 2010 at 3:44 am (6 years ago)

    You poor honey! I know how you feel. When I put Aidyn in daycare for the first time, I was insane with nerves! Nothing beats being able to take care of your own kid. The horror stories are so horrible…

    Just pray love! God is watching out for your beautiful daughter! Pray that she is watched out for, taken care of, and loved! Hope he eases your heart! You're an amazing mother, and she'll know that. I promise.

    Reply
  7. Preggo
    May 20, 2010 at 3:02 pm (6 years ago)

    At the in home daycare Bjorn goes to, there is no regiment of when they can sleep and when they have to eat. Which is why I liked it so much – she didn't make him fit into her schedule, but her schedule changes with the kids.

    And unfortunately, in order to protect her from the big, bad world, you have to put her out into it. The only way to have her grow strong and courageous is with loving parents behind her, and the unknown in front of her. Think of her next daycare not as leaving her with someone else, but as her next adventure.

    Reply
  8. The Empress
    May 20, 2010 at 3:57 pm (6 years ago)

    There is NOTHING like mom guilt.

    We really know how to do a number on ourselves. No matter what… we could give them the stars, and we'd still find fault. "We didn't get the shooting stars, though, only the still stars…"

    Reply
  9. Allison @ Alli 'n Son
    May 20, 2010 at 6:18 pm (6 years ago)

    Finding day care is so tough. I remember searching before my son was even born and finding one that we loved. Then after he was born, it just wasn't good enough. They never are.

    But you are doing the best that you can. And that is an amazing thing.

    Reply
  10. Allison @ Alli 'n Son
    May 20, 2010 at 6:18 pm (6 years ago)

    Finding day care is so tough. I remember searching before my son was even born and finding one that we loved. Then after he was born, it just wasn't good enough. They never are.

    But you are doing the best that you can. And that is an amazing thing.

    Reply
  11. Miss Welcome
    May 20, 2010 at 7:17 pm (6 years ago)

    It's reeeally hard to find care suitable for our darlings – who could love them as well as us? The good part is that you were able to care for her this long, which not many moms can do, and also she will have lots of fun interacting with the others. I found with my kids that by 18 months to 2 years, they wanted more than just me. They loved the stimulation of daycare. Okay, actually my daughter never went but my son did and he loved it. Good luck with this tough decision.

    Reply
  12. Mrs.Mayhem
    May 20, 2010 at 9:55 pm (6 years ago)

    What a beautiful baby! Heartbreaking post. Good luck with your search. Being a mother is not for the weak, is it??

    Reply
  13. Sara @ Domestically Challenged
    May 21, 2010 at 2:52 am (6 years ago)

    We went through a tough time with daycare, and no, it is not easy. I am sorry you are doing the same. Stay strong- you will find a wonderful one.

    Reply
  14. onlyoublog
    May 21, 2010 at 7:56 pm (6 years ago)

    Oh, I know this one too. I had put my son in a daycare that was tiny, and I saw babies lying on newspaper while getting their diapers changed…but I just had no other choices. My son survived, and since then we have been able to find him wonderful care. Just stay in touch with the caregivers – that is what we can do as parents too – poke your head in, ask questions, keep them on their toes. Good luck.

    Reply

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