Wordful Wednesday: The Body Image Edition.

When this picture was taken, I thought I was fat.

I was a size 6.

And now? Well, I’m quite certain that right now I am, in fact, what if you were being very polite, you would call “curvy.” So when I look back at this picture? I want to slap that girl and tell her to enjoy that body while she has it.

But I know she would just roll her eyes at me.

Truth is, I’ve always struggled with my body image. I’ve always felt just a little bit awkward in my own skin. I was all of ten when I put myself on my first diet. Ten.

Since then, my weight has yo-yoed dramatically, sending me into sizes as big as 18 and as small as the aforementioned 6. And while I’m generally at my happiest and healthiest at an 8 or a 10, I’ve never actually been “happy” with what I see in the mirror.

Why do I bring that up now? Well, because I have a daughter. A daughter who’s starting to understand what’s going on in the world around her. And I? Can’t stop putting myself down. Can’t stop using the words “fat” and “ugly” in reference to my reflection.

And Internet? It won’t be long before she starts to pick up on what I’m saying. It won’t be long before she starts modeling her behavior after mine. And I do not want her to go through life with baggage like mine.

But I can’t seem to stop. I keep telling myself that after I lose the next ten pounds, I’ll feel better about myself. When I can finally run a 5K again, I’ll feel sexy. When I can fit into my pre-preggo jeans again, I’ll be proud of the woman I see in the mirror.

I’m not sure I believe me, though. Do you?

See the other Wordful Wednesday entries at Seven Clown Circus.

13 Comments on Wordful Wednesday: The Body Image Edition.

  1. Allison
    March 17, 2010 at 7:05 pm (6 years ago)

    I know where you are coming from. One of my biggest concerns about (hopefully) having a girl some day is that she will pick up on my negative body image. I DO NOT want her to always be concerned with what size she is, how much she weighs.

    Kids catch on so fast to what you are saying. It's amazing. I hope that you can find it within you to give yourself a break, and give your daughter a good role model!

  2. Ericka Clay
    March 17, 2010 at 7:24 pm (6 years ago)

    we'll never win the fight. i'm the lowest i've ever been and i've always been "fit" by other people's standards and i'm still not happy. now i feel i look too skinny and people probably think i have an eating disorder. i hate it. absolutely hate it.

    it's a losing battle isn't it? it's like we can't be happy no matter what. i have an eight-month-old daughter so i know your frustration. i just try my best to say things like "healthy" and "getting strong" instead of diet and losing weight.

    it's an uphill battle and i most certainly wish you luck.

    ps – you're gorgeous in that picture and i'm sure you're just as gorgeous now!

  3. Staci
    March 18, 2010 at 12:46 am (6 years ago)

    I know JUST what you mean! I look at old pictures and I would KILL to look like that now. I obsess over my body and I do NOT want Madison to learn this from me… Its just so hard!

  4. Janet
    March 18, 2010 at 2:22 am (6 years ago)

    I've done the same thing. Looked at old pictures when I thought I was fat, and I'd LOVE to be whatever weight that was right now!

    I don't know what the answer is for your daughter, but it's good you are asking the question and thinking about it! Many women wouldn't even think about it.

  5. Xmas Dolly
    March 18, 2010 at 3:47 am (6 years ago)

    Been there, done that, still doing it. Just don't know what to tell you except you are the only one that can change it no matter what all of us say. You can read all these notes from now until doomsday, and it'll change nothing. You have to change it. When your metabolism turns on you, you have to make a whole change of life & stick to it, and the best thing to help you is your family. Tell your husband. I'm sure he'll support you in this. Good luck.

  6. Nicoala
    March 18, 2010 at 4:39 am (6 years ago)

    I was just thinking the same thing this morning. One of the things that hit me the hardest was when I was a size 6(pre-pregnancy), I saw someone who was fat. I have to question who I am seeing now as I am trying to lose weight…am I still seeing a distorted image of myself or seeing the real me.
    I gained over 120lbs when I got pregnant(HUGE COMPLICATIONS)and have lost 100 of that 120…but to me that isn't enough.
    So…I am right there with you.

  7. Amber Page Writes
    March 18, 2010 at 1:38 pm (6 years ago)

    I'm thinking that being conscious of it is the first step. Continuing to work to be healthy is the second. Step three? Well, I'm not sure what that is yet (maybe have the hub shove soap in my mouth whenever I say nasty things about myself?), but I'll get there.

  8. Christie@MommyDrinksBecauseYouCry
    March 18, 2010 at 2:55 pm (6 years ago)

    I JUST posted about this same issue. I hate my own reflection sometimes and I hate what I could be teaching my daughter. Thanks for your honesty. I think this is just another one of those "women's issues" that will never go away.
    I blame the Godiva Chocolate store being next to Victoria's Secret in the mall. Seriously…WTH?

  9. Mayhem and Moxie
    March 18, 2010 at 10:34 pm (6 years ago)

    Our weight and body image are some of the hardest things we deal with in life…especially as women. Everyone goes through it. The good thing about posting your thoughts on your blog is that you are giving others the chance to identify and support you.

    You are also identifying something about yourself that you want to change and I think that is a very important first step.

  10. Sarah
    March 19, 2010 at 1:30 am (6 years ago)

    I can relate to this post, completely. I have had so many body issues growing up. I'm trying to be better now, for the sake of my daughter. It's hard to truly be at peace with yourself, though, when you've struggled for so long.

  11. Sara @ Domestically Challenged
    March 19, 2010 at 2:31 am (6 years ago)

    I have been there…in fact, if you'd like? Email me and we can chat.

  12. Elly Lou
    March 19, 2010 at 2:59 am (6 years ago)

    *sigh* Why is it so hard to be a woman? Then again, it beats the hell out of the alternative. I just try to think about it as being a healthy weight rather than an attractive weight. Don't ask me how that's working out.

  13. WhisperingWriter
    March 19, 2010 at 3:33 am (6 years ago)

    I know how you feel. I'm always putting myself down even though I know I'm at a healthy weight.


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