A Visit With A Little Green Monster.

One evening not too terribly long ago, I sat snuggled up on the couch with a nice glass of wine when an unexpected visitor plopped down next to me.

LITTLE GREEN MONSTER: Hey, whatcha drinking there?

ME: Wine.

MONSTER: Out of a plastic cup?

ME: The good glasses are in the dishwasher. And besides, who cares? It tastes the same no matter what you drink it out of.

MONSTER: I dunno. It just seems a little pathetic. I’ll bet Melissa never drinks wine out of dixie cups.

ME: How would you know?

MONSTER: I’m just guessing. But a little birdy told me she has a cleaning service come in twice a week, so there’s probably no shortage of clean glasses.

ME: A  maid? Well…good for her. She works hard. She deserves it.

MONSTER: Just like Tabitha deserved that European vacation, right? Just months after her Jamaican escape?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.

MONSTER: Hey, did you hear about Jeremy’s new job?

ME: No. He got a new job? That’s great. Where at?

MONSTER: I don’t remember the agency. But he’s already hard at work concepting a Super Bowl commercial for next year.

ME: Him? A Super Bowl commercial? But I’m ten times as talented as he is. That conceited ha-(PAUSES AND BREATHES DEEPLY). I mean…how awesome. I’m sure he’ll do great.

MONSTER: Yep. He’s got it made. Kinda like Cindy.

ME: Cindy?

MONSTER: You didn’t know? She met a millionaire on the set of that reality TV show she was doing. Now they’re getting married and moving to Hawaii. I hear there’s already a bun in the oven, if you know what I’m sayin’.

ME (MUTTERING): We’ll see how much he likes her when she’s carrying 25 pounds of baby weight two years from now….

MONSTER: What was that?

ME: Ummmm, nothing. Nothing at all. Just wondering what I should get them for a wedding gift.

MONSTER: Not sure. Maybe you should go in with Jackie on something.

ME: You’re right, I should. I haven’t talked to her since she had her baby. It’d be a good excuse to give her a call.

MONSTER: Well, if you decide to get together, meet somewhere that’s not too crowded. Otherwise you won’t recognize her.

ME: What are you talking about? Of course I will – I’ve known her for 15 years!

MONSTER: Yeah, but you’ve never seen her this thin. She’s down to a size two now.

ME: What? But her baby’s only five months old. How is that possible?

MONSTER: When Paramount bought the rights to that book she wrote, she figured she better slim down before Hollywood came calling.

ME: She’s got a movie deal? But that’s not fair! She’s not even a real writer—she just did it to pass the time while she was on bed rest. I’ve been writing since the third grade, and what do I have to show for it?

MONSTER: An ulcer and a mountain of debt?


MONSTER: Hey, where you going?

ME: To the store. I need some more wine.

MONSTER: Well, you’ll have to walk. Your car’s in the shop, remember?

ME: Go away. I hate you!

MONSTER: Aaaaand my job here is done. Enjoy the rest of your evening.
 ME (THROWING PILLOW AT MONSTER’S BACK): Enjoy your spot in hell!


17 Comments on A Visit With A Little Green Monster.

  1. Babe_chilla
    March 16, 2010 at 2:22 am (6 years ago)

    Awww on no!!! I hate that guy!

  2. This Heavenly Life
    March 16, 2010 at 2:31 am (6 years ago)

    HAAAAHaaaHaaa! Seriously. Hee :)

  3. Nicoala
    March 16, 2010 at 3:26 am (6 years ago)

    I loved this :) You truly have a great talent-it made my day.

  4. mommablogsalot
    March 16, 2010 at 3:45 am (6 years ago)

    Man, been there. Minus the knowing people who get movies made of their books and reality tv shows and stuff. Maybe you need less impressive friends? :OP

  5. Kathy
    March 16, 2010 at 6:50 am (6 years ago)

    You'd like living in Alaska. Except most of us just drink the wine straight from the bottle… What?

  6. Kelli
    March 16, 2010 at 1:08 pm (6 years ago)

    Don't worry, your time will come. Of course, I say this from my menial little ad job where I totally don't feel appreciated.
    Who knows, maybe someone is on their couch right now with their green eyed monster looking at you.

  7. Scott
    March 16, 2010 at 1:20 pm (6 years ago)

    Where do you meet all these facinating people?

  8. Amber Page Writes
    March 16, 2010 at 2:18 pm (6 years ago)

    I hate to break this to you, kids, but my friends are not that fascinating. I was indulging in a little hyperbole, if you will…talking about the things I'm really envious of would only get me in trouble.

  9. Ericka Clay
    March 16, 2010 at 5:19 pm (6 years ago)

    it's like you're me. let's go drown our sorrows and crack open a box of wine if you're game.

  10. Allison
    March 16, 2010 at 6:19 pm (6 years ago)

    That made me laugh, and then cry a little bit. I go through this all the time. It's hard not to want what other people have, isn't it?

  11. Sara @ Domestically Challenged
    March 16, 2010 at 6:27 pm (6 years ago)

    Isn't life grand!? Ahh..laugh, cry and such.

  12. Jenners
    March 17, 2010 at 12:35 am (6 years ago)

    Please tell me this is all fiction or I'm going to have a visit from the little green monster too!

  13. Sarah
    March 17, 2010 at 12:42 am (6 years ago)

    This is an awesome post. That green monster…it makes an appearance in my life, every once in a while, too!

  14. ijogthereforeiblog
    March 17, 2010 at 7:00 am (6 years ago)

    Be gone green monster!
    Do you think people who own mega yachts are really happy? surely not. hahaha

  15. Elisa @ Globetrotting in Heels
    March 17, 2010 at 9:22 am (6 years ago)

    aah hahahaha! Friggin' Green Monster. Told him if he ever visited here again I'd make him turn purple. Sorry he came to visit you. I swear I didn't send him!

  16. Badass Geek
    March 17, 2010 at 12:02 pm (6 years ago)

    This was great! Awesome post.

  17. Mayhem and Moxie
    March 17, 2010 at 6:05 pm (6 years ago)

    Such a great idea for a post.

    And, for the record, I totally got that you were making up these characters. I mean, I am sure that whatever friend you have in advertising is doing something WAY better than just the Superbowl. 😉


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