One evening not too terribly long ago, I sat snuggled up on the couch with a nice glass of wine when an unexpected visitor plopped down next to me.
LITTLE GREEN MONSTER: Hey, whatcha drinking there?
MONSTER: Out of a plastic cup?
ME: The good glasses are in the dishwasher. And besides, who cares? It tastes the same no matter what you drink it out of.
MONSTER: I dunno. It just seems a little pathetic. I’ll bet Melissa never drinks wine out of dixie cups.
ME: How would you know?
MONSTER: I’m just guessing. But a little birdy told me she has a cleaning service come in twice a week, so there’s probably no shortage of clean glasses.
ME: A maid? Well…good for her. She works hard. She deserves it.
MONSTER: Just like Tabitha deserved that European vacation, right? Just months after her Jamaican escape?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
MONSTER: Hey, did you hear about Jeremy’s new job?
ME: No. He got a new job? That’s great. Where at?
MONSTER: I don’t remember the agency. But he’s already hard at work concepting a Super Bowl commercial for next year.
ME: Him? A Super Bowl commercial? But I’m ten times as talented as he is. That conceited ha-(PAUSES AND BREATHES DEEPLY). I mean…how awesome. I’m sure he’ll do great.
MONSTER: Yep. He’s got it made. Kinda like Cindy.
MONSTER: You didn’t know? She met a millionaire on the set of that reality TV show she was doing. Now they’re getting married and moving to Hawaii. I hear there’s already a bun in the oven, if you know what I’m sayin’.
ME (MUTTERING): We’ll see how much he likes her when she’s carrying 25 pounds of baby weight two years from now….
MONSTER: What was that?
ME: Ummmm, nothing. Nothing at all. Just wondering what I should get them for a wedding gift.
MONSTER: Not sure. Maybe you should go in with Jackie on something.
ME: You’re right, I should. I haven’t talked to her since she had her baby. It’d be a good excuse to give her a call.
MONSTER: Well, if you decide to get together, meet somewhere that’s not too crowded. Otherwise you won’t recognize her.
ME: What are you talking about? Of course I will – I’ve known her for 15 years!
MONSTER: Yeah, but you’ve never seen her this thin. She’s down to a size two now.
ME: What? But her baby’s only five months old. How is that possible?
MONSTER: When Paramount bought the rights to that book she wrote, she figured she better slim down before Hollywood came calling.
ME: She’s got a movie deal? But that’s not fair! She’s not even a real writer—she just did it to pass the time while she was on bed rest. I’ve been writing since the third grade, and what do I have to show for it?
MONSTER: An ulcer and a mountain of debt?
ME (GETTING UP FROM THE COUCH IN A HUFF): ARRRGGGGHHHHHHH!
MONSTER: Hey, where you going?
ME: To the store. I need some more wine.
MONSTER: Well, you’ll have to walk. Your car’s in the shop, remember?
ME: Go away. I hate you!
MONSTER: Aaaaand my job here is done. Enjoy the rest of your evening.
ME (THROWING PILLOW AT MONSTER’S BACK): Enjoy your spot in hell!