Seven More Things No One Tells New Moms.

Back before Tori was born, I thought I knew it all. Then, about three weeks in, I realized I knew nothing. At about six months, I started to get a little more confident, and at almost seven months, I thought I knew enough to warn other mothers-in-waiting.

Oh, how naive I was (and still am, I’m sure). It turns out, Tori only had more surprises in store for me. So here they areā€”seven more things no one dares to tell new moms.

The more your baby eats, the worse her poop will smell. Yeah, I know. Even at the best of times, baby poop isn’t an aroma you’d want to bottle and sell as perfume. But once you start in with the “real” foods? Her diaper will begin to smell like trash that’s been left too long in the sun. Mmmm, trash.

All those food rules? Aren’t worth the paper (or computer screen) they’re written on. I know. You’re only supposed to introduce one new food every five days. They’re only supposed to have fruit after they’ve eaten vegetables. Sugar is the enemy. Right. There are only so many times you can watch your kid purposely vomit up a food she finds nasty (yes, really) before you start to bend the rules.

You only think you want your baby to crawl.  Sure, it sounds like a good idea. Who wouldn’t want their child to be able to move themselves from place to place, grabbing their own toys and making their own fun? Any parent who wants to stay sane, that’s who. Once your baby learns to crawl, you will never sit down again. Ever.

Think carefully before teaching her a game. She will want to play it endlessly. Jumping up from behind the couch to play Peekaboo is fun the first 500 times. As is Walk-Around-The-House-Holding-Mommy’s-Hands. And Chase the Kitty? Hours of fun. Eventually, though, your body will have had enough. But your baby? Can play these games forever. She doesn’t even have kneecaps.

Two years is a looooong time to go without relying on ye old boob tube for some free babysitting. The American Academy of Pediatrics says kids shouldn’t see any TV until their second birthday. Supposedly it slows their development and all that. But, you know what? I don’t believe those Academics have ever had to take a poo (oh yes I did say it) while alone in the house with a kid who refuses to sit still for more than five seconds. Unless, that is, the digital babysitter is on.

Like a puppy, your baby will chew on anything. Teething infants and teething puppies have a lot in common. They will gnaw on anything they can get their mouths around. Shelves, chairs, molding, shoulders, noses…nothing is safe. Put your antiques away, people.

You will never realize how dirty your house is until your baby starts exploring. I don’t care how often how you vacuum, sweep or mop. After a day spent crawling aroound on the floor, your baby will look like a human Swiffer pad. Or is that just me? Don’t answer that.

There’s more. Oh so much more. But if I spill any more secrets, the lynch moms might come after me. So you’ll just have to wait in suspense for the next edition of Things They Don’t Tell You. Unless you have your own observations to share?

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