Who You Calling Talented?

I knew winning my tiara was going to be tough. But I didn’t realize how tough—until we got our instructions for our third mission. The challenge? Show the world, and the pageant judges, how talented you are.

I was stumped.

I briefly considered lots of options. For instance, I can’t sing well, but I’m quite good at singing badly, so I thought about taping myself singing the worst rendition of  “Do-Re-Mi” you’ve ever heard. But even I have some limits (and stuff you put on the internet? Never goes away. Ever).

Next, I thought about dancing with my dog. On tape. Yes, this is something I do. No, he doesn’t like it. And since we can’t compete with this guy:

I decided to let it go.

I even thought about stunt falling down the stairs, since that’s what I do best. But, because that really is my biggest talent, there’s far too much chance of that going horribly wrong. So I didn’t.

But while I might be lacking in the “super huge talent” category, I do have lots of little things I do really well. So that’s what I’m going to share with you today. My Top Ten Tiny Talents.

I bake a damned good boxed cake—Despite the fact that I have never actually made a cake from scratch, I have a reputation for being a great baker (my brownies are kind of famous). My secret? Voodoo, of course.  What, you thought I’d actually give it away?

I have a knack for getting lost—I love to drive. But I can’t follow directions to save my soul. In my mind, the sun sets in the east, Florida lies to the north, and one-way streets are always headed in the wrong direction. Once, I directed my husband to drive two hours down the wrong highway before I realized what I had done.

I plan excellent imaginary vacations—Traveling, especially to warm, sunny destinations, is just about my favorite thing in the whole world to do. See how happy I look?

So, when I’m feeling sad, mad, fed-up or just plain bored, I get online and ferret out the best vacation deals around. Cruises, flights, car rentals—I find it all, take it all the way to the point where they’re asking me for money…and then click out. It’s masochistic, really.

I give good rant—As I may have mentioned a time or two, I have quite the temper. The only way I’ve found to simmer down? Let loose a good solid rant. These diatribes generally include lots of colorful language, magnificent insults…the works. My husband said they actually are film-worthy, but he didn’t want to make me mad enough to capture one for your viewing pleasure.

I make fabulous messes—Remember the character Pig Pen from Peanuts? I am the real life version of him. As soon as I enter a room, it becomes a disaster. Clothes fall to the floor, papers get disorganized and inch-thick dust appears from nowhere. It’s one talent I’d gladly give up.

I look good in hats—Skinny jeans? I don’t think so. Sweater coats? Only if I want to look like I’m wearing my giant mother’s clothes. But hats? Hats I can do (and really? not many people can).

But since I generally don’t allow pictures of me to be taken, whether I’m wearing a hat or not, this is the best proof I can muster up. You’ll just have to take my word for it.

I’m a fair weather speed-reader—Hand me a 500 page novel, leave the room for a few hours, and when you come back, I’ll be done. I tear through books like nobody’s business. Unfortunately, this talent only applies to things I want to read. Give me a textbook and tell me to read 100 pages, and when you come back, I’ll be sound asleep.

I can spell almost anything—Seriously. Give me a word, any word, and I’ll spell it for you. I even won a spelling bee once. But the advent of spell check has rendered this fabulous talent virtually useless. Damn you, dictionary.com!

I can predict the weather—I’m not a meteorologist or anything, but I can tell you when the weather’s about to change. When the barometric pressure starts doing its thing, my knee begins to pulse with pain. It hits a fever pitch about six hours before any big storm is due. Want to know if you should take an umbrella? Ask my knee.

I make damn cute babies—I may be biased, but I’m pretty sure Tori’s the most adorable baby on the face of the planet.

And I take all the credit.

That’s it! Those are my Ten Tiny Talents. Now head on over to MomDot and see what the other Bloggers and Tiaras contestants have to say for themselves.

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