Reasons I Drink.

I know many new moms aspire to be awesomely virtuous creatures who never let a drop of alcohol pass their lips. To those women, all I can say is, good for you. Now excuse me while I pour a drink.

I have no such aspirations. I’m not an alcoholic or anything, but at the end of a very long day (like this one), I feel entitled to a nice cold glass of…something. Today it’s a glass of lemonade with a generous slug of raspberry vodka (and man is it yummy).

Why is the occasional alcoholic beverage necessary in the blissful life of a new mommy, you ask? Here, in no particular order, are the top motivators.

The Never Ending Scream – Generally speaking, Tori is a very sunny baby. But there are days when it seems like the screaming never stops. It might start with a poopy diaper or a bottle that’s overly slow in arriving, but from there? It’s anybody’s guess. Maybe she’s upset about the hole in the ozone layer, I don’t know. But those ear piercing shrieks echo in my head for hours after they stop. Bottoms up!

Sleep? What Sleep? – It’s 11 p.m. The baby alarm is due to go off in five short hours. I’m exhausted, but my shoulders are so tight they’re around my ears and my mind is spinning, spinning, spinning. I can’t take a Tylenol PM because, well, I can’t sleep that long. Sometimes a nice, calming glass of wine is in order.

The Celebratory Drink – Congrats, self. You made it to six weeks. Two months. Through the first vaccinations. Through the day. You deserve, well you deserve a vacation, but you’re not getting one, so how about a pina colada?

Oh, the Guilt – Can’t stay home with the baby. Can’t hire a nanny. Won’t ever be able to afford to buy her a pony. Accidentally clipped her finger with the the nail scissors. Am I a terrible person? A horrible mom? Just human? Hand me that bottle.

Did I Mention the Screaming? ‘Nuff said.

So, next time you go visit a new (or not so new) mom, bring her a gift she’ll really appreciate. A nice bottle of something alcoholic.

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