If Only The Two Could Meet

An imaginary conversation between the twenty something me of yesterday and the mom me of today…

YESTERME: How old did you say that baby is now?

MOM ME: Three months.

YESTERME: And you’re still that fat? Damn girl, have you looked in the mirror?

MOM ME: Oh, you don’t know the half of it. Wanna see my stretch marks?

YESTERME: Oh, please God, no. Are you at least getting our fat butt to the gym?

MOM ME: Sure. It fits right in to that 20 minutes a day I’m not taking care of the baby, or feeding myself, or working, or trying to catch some sleep. I drive there, wave hi, step on the treadmill and then turn around and go home. Totally worth it.

YESTERME: You don’t have to get sarcastic. Tell me we’re at least getting some sleep?

MOM ME: Sure! I manage five, sometimes six hours a night at this point.

YESTERME: That’s all? That’s torture!

MOM ME: Not really. Hey, on Saturday, I actually slept in until 8.

YESTERME: Eight? On a weekend? What happened to noon?

MOM ME: That little girl I gave birth to, that’s what.

YESTERME: Speaking of birth, how was labor? Was it awful?

MOM ME: Nope. I skipped the entire thing and went the C-Section route.

YESTERME: You let them slice us open? Ewww! Did it feel like that scene from Spaceballs where the alien pops out?

MOM ME: Surprisingly, no. But it felt like my stomach was ripping open every time I coughed, sneezed or laughed for the next eight weeks. Good times.

YESTERME: So you don’t sleep. You have no time for yourself. And you practically got cut it half. And it’s worth it?

MOM ME: Totally. But do me a favor?

YESTERME: Sure, what?

MOM ME: Go to the bar tonight. Have an extra coupla drinks for me. Then go home, pass out, sleep till noon and lounge in bed all day tomorrow.

YESTERME: Gee, twist my arm why don’t you. But why?

MOM ME: Once you have this baby, you’ll never be able to do that ever again.

YESTERME: And you’re sure it’s worth it?

MOM ME: It really is. Just think of it as a kind of temporary insanity that lasts eighteen years or so.

YESTERME: Oh boy. I think I need a drink.

MOM ME: Yeah, I tend to say that a lot.

YESTERME: Well, it’s good to know some things never change.

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