This is My Life?

Scenes from my new daily routine:

I sit on the couch, Regis and Kelly (yes, I watch it. yes, I’m ashamed of this fact.) droning in the background. The curtains are closed, although the sun is shining, and I’ve got both hands clamped to my pumping devices, trying to prevent any precious milk from escaping.

Meanwhile, I’m rocking Tori in her car seat with my foot, singing a nonsensical (and tuneless) song as I go. Key lyrics? “Stay asleep, baby, I’ve got five minutes to go.” But Tori has other plans, and the Mooing Machine session gets cut short…

Flash forward to lunchtime. I’ve got Tori nestled in my Sleepy Wrap, with a napkin strategically placed over her head to catch any crumbs. I crane my neck over to the side, trying to eat a sandwich I can’t see over the baby in front of me.

Suddenly, she lets an explosive fart loose, and I feel something alarmingly warm oozing onto my stomach. Trying not to swear, I abandon my lunch and lurch over to the changing station, appetite suddenly squelched…

Now it’s mid-afternoon, and I’m dozing on the couch, the baby nestled on my chest. Her soft snores make me smile as my mind wanders. A few miles away, my coworkers yawn their way through the mid-afternoon doldrums. Bet they’d do anything to trade places with me right now…

The clock reads 5:43, and I’m hooked up to the Mooing Machine again. The dog barks piteously at the back door, begging to be let in. Tori whimpers in her swing, threatening to break loose into full-throated wails at any moment. My mood darkens, and I gaze murderously at the phone, willing Brian to call and say he’s coming home…

It’s nighttime now, and the whole family is gathered in front of the TV. Kermit’s on the floor chewing a bone, watched by an eagle-eyed Oliver, and Kiwi’s purring from his post on the back of the couch. Tori’s sitting on Brian’s lap, gurgling cheerfully as daddy gives her her nightly lecture: “Be a doctor. Or a lawyer. Or an engineer. Whatever you do, don’t major in liberal arts…”

I just shake my head and kiss Brian good night, knowing she’ll do whatever she darn well wants. As I head off to bed, it’s with a smile in my heart. Life has definitely changed, but at moments like this, I know it’s for the better.

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