According to my super high tech calculations (even copywriters can count days on the calendar), I have exactly 74 days left until the timer pops out and I’m officially done. And that, were I to be feeling rational, would be a scarily small number.
But today? I’m not feeling at all rational. Nope, right now, I’m ready to get this show on the road. Don’t get me wrong. I want her to be as fully baked as possible before she enters the world, but as for actually being pregnant? I’m over it.
Why? Well, gosh, I thought you’d never ask. Here, in no particular order, are my top ten third trimester complaints.
10. I’m tired of being tired. And yes, all you veteran parents out there, I know I’m about to be a lot more tired, but these pointlessly sleepless nights are getting to me. At least once she’s here, I’ll have a good reason for being exhausted.
9. I hate maternity jeans. Make that HATE them. And I’m really sick of being faced with the choice of either hitching up my pants every five minutes or wandering around with the crotch around my knees.
8. Hemorrhoids are supposed to be for old people. And that’s all I’m going to say about that.
7. I’d like to be able to breathe again. This feeling like I’ve run a marathon thing every time I climb the stairs, talk too long or chew my food too well is for the birds.
6. Speaking of food, I really miss being able to eat like a normal human. Right now I go from starving to ohmygodI’mgoingtopuke full in about 2.5 seconds. And that stinks.
5. Wine. I miss wine. A lot.
4. Aerobics videos drive me crazy. Real human beings are not supposed to be that perky. Especially while sweating. How I long for a good old fashioned run…
3. I’ve never been so achey. My back hurts. My hips hurt. I get charley horses. It sucks.
2. I’m going through cute shoe withdrawal. These days, even tying my shoes is tough. I’m not going to even attempt to stuff my bloated toes into my pretty little heels.
1. I want my body back. Sure, everybody says I look cute, but then they have to. I only have to look at the ever escalating numbers on the scale to know they’re all LYING!
And that’s my top ten list. Thanks for playing along, kids. I promise to try and be more fun the next time I post.