Good Bye, Sweet Kiwi.

by Amber on August 11, 2015

brown and white cat in heart shaped cut outThe year was 1999. I was newly wed, happy in love and in life.

My husband and I rolled up to the animal shelter in our little blue convertible, looking for a feline brother or sister for the kitten we had adopted just a few months before.

There were lots of kittens. Lots of them. But the moment we spotted the long-haired mutt of a cat with the corkscrew tail, our search was over.

We took the meowing ball of fluff home and spent the next few weeks trying to keep the older cat from killing him. It was so bad, we thought about taking him back almost daily for a while.

But eventually, peace returned to the household and the fluff ball (now named Kiwi) earned himself a permanent place on my lap and in my heart.

He’s been my constant companion ever since.

He stuck to me like glue through the worst of my depressions. Purred me back to health after three surgeries and countless broken joints and bones. He shared my lap through hundreds of late night Tori feedings and shared my desk through dozens and dozens of marathon writing sessions.

Heck, he even learned to say “mama,” in the same tone and with the same inflection as my young daughter. It was so eerily similar that I often couldn’t tell which one was calling me (and neither could  my husband).

He was my baby in every way that matters.

And last week he died.

It was time. He couldn’t eat anymore. Couldn’t walk more than a few steps. Couldn’t even seem to sleep. Every time I looked at him, he was staring at me with preternaturally green eyes.

I knew in my heart that it was time for him to leave. I’d been telling him to let go for days.

But it still hurts.

We will get another cat. And I will grow to love him or her. But no one will ever take Kiwi’s place.

I miss that special little guy. I miss him a whole hell of a lot.

{ 0 comments }

Forgive me while I catch my breath

by Amber on May 22, 2015

tori graduate

Tori graduated from kindergarten yesterday.

It was a sweet ceremony. A silly ceremony. Much like the six-year-olds who posed in their tiny caps and gowns on the stage.

Their little feet bounced as the slideshow chronicling their year played. Their little bodies swayed to the music. They made goofy faces at each other, and when the time came to get their diplomas, they rushed across the stage, forgetting to stop and pose as their teachers had told them to.

In the audience there were smiles and laughter, sniffles and tears. I found myself choked up, unable to breathe.

My Tori is a first grader now. It hardly seems possible.

I know there are still twelve long years ahead of us before she graduates for real and heads out into the world.

But it’s only twelve years.

Wasn’t it just yesterday that I was tearfully leaving her at daycare for the first time?

I look at my garage, still full of baby things, and I think, “it’s not too late to have another. Am I really ready to leave all things little behind?”

The answer, of course, is no. And yes (I think).

Is anyone ever really ready?

At least I still have at little while longer to cherish her warm body curled tight against mine in sleep. To make doody jokes and name fart smells as she laughs those belly laughs. And to participate in impromptu ballet lessons and epic bubble blowing sessions that follow her very specific rules.

I’ll soak in those carefree giggles and soulful cuddles while I can.

In fact, I think I’ll record her telling me, “you’re the best mommy in the whole world,” now, before she forgets.

Because she will. At least for a while.

And I’m sure I’ll sniffle and the tears will fall.

But we’ll also laugh, and talk, and hopefully cuddle every once in a while.

I’ll keep doing my best to be the Best Mommy in the World, even when she just wants me to go away.

Because someday, she’ll be me, watching her little one start to grow. And I want her to know she can call her mommy when it hurts… after all, I’m about to call mine.

 

 

 

 

{ 0 comments }

To All the Middle School Girls Out There

May 4, 2015
middle school sucks, but it

Tweet Earlier today, I saw a post on Facebook that took my breath away. “How do I help my teenager?” it said. “The kids are so mean she doesn’t want to go to school anymore.” I remember those days. I remember huddling down low in my seat before class, hoping no one would notice me.  […]

Read the full article →

The End?

April 6, 2015
two bear cubs sleeping

Tweet Once upon a time, this blog was as necessary to my existence as air. As a new mother, it was my link to the outside my world. It provided reassurance that I wasn’t crazy. It was a place where I could laugh, scream, or cry, and know that someone (lots of someones) heard me […]

Read the full article →

Depression is a Rat Bastard.

September 26, 2014
Thought bubble that says, "Does anyone know where depression is? Because I

Tweet Internet, you already know I struggle with depression. I take medication, I try to take care of myself, and mostly I’m…okay. Sometimes I even feel pretty great. I don’t feel so great right now. Logically, I know I have the world by the balls. I’ve got a good job, good friends, a great kid, […]

Read the full article →

I Got My Picture Taken. And It Was Pretty Awesome.

July 16, 2014
Amber Page headshot

Tweet You see that headline up there? Those are two sentences I never thought I would ever utter (or, errr, write) in the same breath. But it’s true. In preparation for professional authordom, I recently bit the bullet and got myself a real headshot, by a real photographer, in a real studio. That I paid […]

Read the full article →